After finishing hectic middle school years, I went on to high school. To some degree I should be thankful for, I did get into a Magnet school meaning I had the chance to avoid the violent and crime-ridden local schools. The catch was that my high school did not have any real sports outside of a tennis team and a soccer team that barely won any games. We had around 400 total kids at the school itself and it was mostly black with some white people and some Asians. A lot of our classes were held in trailers and the school was in largely a bad condition.
For some reason I could not describe at the time, I was pretty miserable at the place from the get go. I wanted to play sports but parents would not allow it meaning I had no outlet for the inner drive in myself at the time. For all intents and purposes at the time, I was a social outcast by my own doing, I just could not click with the kids. I was also going through a few things at home which were impacting my happiness.
I think the worst part of my high school years was that I had so much ambition and drive to do something with my life but there was zero opportunity in the old town. Every time I would go out of my way to make things happen, I would get blocked by my parents who would sabotage my plan to get out of the city or increase my chance of getting into a good school. My family and to a degree my environment were living and breathing examples of crabs in a bucket.
Some potentially good news.
As I was finishing 9th grade, my dad announced that we are going to be moving out of the apartment we are in and buy a house. What this meant was that we were evaluating a new district, the wealthier suburban one with good schools and a crowd I knew I would make friends with. More than enough friends from my church went to schools in those districts too meaning I would have automatically had a social circle. From what my dad told me, it was going to be a decision he was seriously considering since he evaluated houses there. After a few months passed and the carrot being dangled, I was informed we will be staying in the same district and how I need to think “long-term”.
I remember occasionally going to the other district for events, it felt like a different vibe. The mood was less depressed, people were more lively, and it just felt a lot more alive and thriving. You go into an area and it is people just living, no feeling of hostility or uneasiness as I was used to in my district. In some ways, I was starting to think that the grass is greener on the other side.
Looking back on that very day, I slowly started to learn that my dad was a man of empty promises who you could never trust. My dad was, and still is, a habitual liar who would make up everything about his very own life circumstances to us. One lie I was told is that we are actually millionaires who can afford a mansion, something I later found was nonsense. I unfortunately failed to learn this lesson soon enough and it would lead me to a road of misery, one silver lining is that it did help me get good at dealing with awful people.
The most important life decision I would make at the time.
High school went on for me as usual and things did get better, I started to make some genuine friendships with some great people. The lack of a football program really frustrated me as it is a sport I loved but somehow, I learned to live with. I had fantasies of walking on to a college football team and making pro, talk about wild aspirations.
At the time, I was faced with a key decision which would set the tone for the next few years. I got into a decent university out of state which my parents more than had the money to pay for, a university over in another town with a nice beach, and a local commuter campus. My heart and soul wanted to go out of state really bad, I knew I would be happier there.
In typical fashion, my parents said they could more than afford it but guilt-tripped me into picking the local commuter campus. The plan was that I would go to the local commuter campus, get a high GPA, and then transfer to a top 20 university. I went for their plan, chances are, on paper it worked. The university it was a commuter campus meaning it was rarely the 18-22 year old age range, only people coming back for school or a lot of adults taking night classes.
A lesson in deceit, betrayal, and scheming people. It’s a like a toxin.
Being the overbearing and controlling guy he was, my dad used a lot of nasty tricks such as fear mongering, blackmail, dominance, and guilt trips to make me take a major I had no passion for. Fights would break out to the point where I gave in, yet again, letting others control my life.
I came into college with a full ride but slowly, due to the way I was controlled by my parents, that was taking a dent. Ever notice how a toxin slowly kills you? I was slowly dying on the inside as a result of being controlled like a puppet by two sociopaths. I was not even allowed to drive to class and had my own curfew, the depression and lack of passion led me to losing my full ride.
Despite all this, social old me still managed to make a decent number of friends in those days. I ended up making friends with a number of guys who were decent people, one was a cool kid from Arizona named Chris. The guy was a chill dude with good looks and I wish I would have hung out with him more but he had a lot going on himself.
For the first time in my life, I also fell in love and had strong feelings for a girl. Yeah, at the age of seventeen in my first year of college, I fell in love for the first time in my entire life. I met her in an elective PE class, she had jet black hair and a nice lovely tan, just my type. In my adolescence, I had never seen a woman so beautiful, she was something else. We had hit it off well it seemed and she would always chat with me, we hung out a couple times too.
The most miserable summer of my life and the Millennial Creep.
My parents happily came to pitch in and were quite happy for a group of people who saw their son lose a scholarship, something that I found odd at the time. I was still naive to the idea that parents could try to ruin their own kids but I learned that maybe it is about control, some people hate losing it. Despite all this, I still took summer classes and found that the campus along with social activities themselves, was largely empty.
I run into my crush a few times but things are going hot and cold, being new to the whole dating game, I did not know what to do. On one anxious and bored day, I approached her in a nervous tone. At the time, I had no idea where I stood with her or even if she had a boyfriend. I approached her and put my hand on her neck as she was talking, then I tried to tickle her, it creeped her the fuck out. We never spoke then and one of her friends told me to never get near her.
The most humiliating situation in my life, I honestly had no idea what I was doing at the time or what caused me to do that but I knew I was in the wrong. I blocked her on all social media knowing I had no place in her life. Even now I look back at it and think what was going through my head, to be honest with you guys, I did not even want to share that but I thought I would.
The bachelor discovers a horrible addiction.
Around this time, I started posting a lot on internet forums which focused on dating and masculinity. As bad as it sounds, the communities I posted on were probably the groups I could confess the most to. I learned a lot there and realized how I had been taught wrong my entire life in some aspects. In some ways, I found posting on internet forums one horrible addiction. After a while, arguments broke out and due to the person I was arguing with getting a bit too personal, I had my face pic stolen and was being impersonated by this individual. The ordeal would psychologically mess with my head a little.
Failure begets failure, the domino effect.
Fall would start and I was in the same old miserable major I was in, not sure why I didn’t rebel at the time. I would hit it off with this one girl, gorgeous brunette from Texas, and her named was Alex. We would chat but due to my creepy encounter, I became very composed and restrained around women. I ended up going on a date with her, she looked gorgeous, and I didn’t even end it with a kiss due to fear. At that point, attraction died out as much as I wanted her and I saw her pick another guy over me.
In another class of mines, I had hit it off with this drop dead beautiful Arabian girl after being initially shut down by her. We had it on and off it seemed, a study group formed me with one guy who would become my close friend, the girl herself, and her redhead friend. For a while it seemed like our bond was tight but I was too much in my own head. Needless to say, things did not pan out as I wanted with the Arab beauty as much as the signs were there, I failed to pounce.
The truth is, I was thinking the grass was yet again greener. The beautiful experiences I could have been having being at a state flagship school or a party school, an actual university. I wanted that life, I’d daydream about it, maybe the grass was greener.
A magical trip that gave me a vision.
I took part the following semester in a class where you would get to go to NYC for a week, it was Model UN. The professor was not very keen on me and kind of hated me but I still did well in the class. In the Model UN conference, I saw women from all across the world attend. I had never seen so many attractive women packed into one setting, it was entirely something else.
At some point, I hit it off well with this blue eyed French brunette and on one party day, we made out. I could not get further than that as my professor had caught me and shut it down promptly by grabbing me, I was threatened with some conduct violations the following day but it never moved forward. I knew I had it going with this girl but she walked away sad, could have kept in touch with her on social media.
Yet, on that very day, I saw a vision. I had seen the most beautiful city on the planet in my eyes, a city where it seemed as if anything was possible. I just felt like there was something to it, something magical. Maybe the grass was actually greener on the other side.
Slowly moving in the right direction.
After looking more into it and seeing the moving pieces, with the work of my dad but also me barely making the cut, I found that I would be able to attend the state flagship for my final couple years of college. For some reason, while I was great news, I did not feel like I accomplished anything. I felt as if my dad had made me super reliant on him to where he could hold it against me in the future but nonetheless, I was leaving a bad living situation.
Who knows, maybe the grass is actually greener….