There is a time and place for everything and it’s called college
This post is gonna be a long one since it comes in a critical moment of my life.
So right at around the age of twenty, one year below legal drinking age, I started school at a more typical university where everyone was around the age of 18-22. At one point, the university was ranked as a top 10 party school by Playboy Magazine. I transfer in and during my first semester, start to slowly hit it off with some of my classmates.
I came in with high hopes, this was going to be my opportunity. What would happen is I would be that guy who has the “college experience” and the best years of his life. The two or three years I have left of college would end on a high note full of lots of cool friends, memorable parties, and hot girls. All that suffering, this was it, this was my lucky break in life.
Just like a fool, I stuck with the major I had because my thoughts were, it was too late to really change. I ran into some friends back from the old town, almost all of them church kids I knew. At one point, I sat across a couple of guys in a dining hall and they invited me to a party that was going on. The party was a dance party with no alcohol in it, it was kind of strange but that was the point of their group, to have parties without alcohol so I went. Through these people, I would somehow meet a good bit of my friends who might not have even been that affiliated with them.
I also met a girl in one of my classes, a beautiful Brazilian girl, who I hit it off well with at first. My friend challenged me to sit next to her, did so in the following class and there we were. I had too much going on to move things along with her and never managed to stay in touch after that, last I checked she was married.
In a way, I felt a slight excitement like none other at the time, I was in a new world. So many people around my age, out on my own, and somehow I was stuck thinking only if I had this in my freshman year of college would it be ideal. I did make some social acquaintances but largely, it was an isolating experience. On the outside looking in, it seemed like everyone made their friends early on and kind of stuck with the crew itself. I was also not that focused on my academics, spending most of my days trying to socialize, party, or browse the internet when I should have been studying.
About that browsing internet habit.
I spent a lot of time in college also posting on internet forums and message boards related to pickup or seduction, looking back at it, just felt so comfortable. A lot of what I could not dare say in real life I could post there, even getting a few intellectual debates in. Due to my social isolation starting college, this became a habit that was very rough to shake for me. I was also dealing with a couple of arguments that had gone bad and led to my pics as well as that of my family being posted, a handful of guys even impersonating me.
One member who was good with computers even found my IP address and location, spreading that far and wide. A handful of guys on my campus also knew me by face as a result of also posting in similar communities, bye bye anonymity!
Living in paranoia.
At some point, I started to live in paranoia almost day in and day out, in hindsight this probably hurt my social life in college on top of my tough predicament of being a transfer. In some cases, I started seeing certain people as the type who were trying to get more dirt on me. I started to wonder why I was so fearful and paranoid about and thinking deep about it, it was my future. In my head, I had these grand plans and these visions for success, how this would be something that would be used against me in the future. The thought of having a future employer come across something like that and how it would ruin me. I did not get on social media at the time due to that fear and turned into a very private individual.
I started to become more paranoid in the following semesters from the ordeal and at the same time, kind crumbled up into a shell. My lack of a social circle and friend group also led to me being the guy who was on the outside looking in. Now I started to realize why some college kids can go insane, it is not the thought of not having the college experience, it is seeing everyone else have it while you are not. In those semesters of being crumbled up into my shell, I ended up having a few epiphanies and awakenings that drove me to some tough decisions.
A summer vacation from hell.
I decided to stay in college and take summer classes, encountering one class where the professor had targeted me. In hindsight, he was an older Middle Eastern guy who didn’t like me sitting next to a girl he might have had his sight on and he made life miserable for me, even shouting at me in class. I ended up with a bad grade in the class but cared little of it looking back, I was just glad to be done.
After the summer semester ended, I went on a trip to Florida with my family. Being away, I finally saw how toxic these people really were. The trip itself was full of conversations about how miserable and depressing life is. Overbearing demeanors, domineering attitude, and starting an argument on the fly whenever the opportunity presented itself. A poorly planned trip on its own and one riddled with conflict, telling me how I am not good enough and how disappointed they are in me as a son. On that trip I learned just how toxic the people I had been raised by were, it was like walking away having your blood sucked by a vampire.
My first real fall semester.
Fall semester, sports season, things back to normal, and my first chance to experience it all. I took an acting class as my elective and met this beautiful blonde named Lauren who tells me on the first day she might drop, I get her number. In truth, I was not myself or my best self but I managed to get some interest from her. We went out on one date, truth be told she was way out of my league at the time. The moment sticks with me as what I could be capable of if I just got myself together.
At some point during that time I’d also meet a handful of guys I’d hang out with every now and then, making acquaintances. Life on paper was slowly looking up but my mindset had been so weak from the summer that I could not fully capitalize on it.
“The best four years of your life.”
My breaking point in college came as I approached my senior year and realized that I had not done anything noteworthy. No social friend group, no wild over the top parties, grades were mediocre, and always on the outside looking in. My sleep schedule was trash, at times staying up well after midnight and barely able to get up for class. Then the question hit me that these were supposed to be the best years of my life, what had I done since then?
From here, it is all going to be downhill right? You graduate, maybe get a job (or go to grad school), start a family, and that’s it. No time for anything fun or anything new in life, none of that. Such was the story we had always been told, there is a time and place for everything and it is college. College is the time to make fun new friends, experiment with the opposite sex, discover your hobbies, your life calling, and have the fun filled life for the last time before you get “old”. Now this was a concept that consumed my thoughts for many many years to come.
How did it all end up like this for me?
I started asking the tough questions at the time, wondering why it is that a number of kids were having that social experience of college I craved while I was a shut-in. At times I examined how these kids were raised differently than me and how it all came together. My upbringing had made me a nervous guy prone to overthinking, growing up a curious kid in bumfuck wanting to get out made me spend a lot of time on the internet looking for answers, and from there it slowly went downhill. I didn’t have the formative experiences and rites of passage to be like these kids who seemed to have it all.
At the time, I was angry and very bitter, not just at myself but at my family, my upbringing, and how it had ruined me. College showed me a picture of who I had become and it wasn’t overnight, it was after a lifetime of experiences so far. My lifetime of experiences had molded me into a person that would not get to enjoy the peak years of life. At times, I would punch the door and break down into a rage towards my family and my past, thinking how unfair life can be. I would imagine and daydream about how my life would have been different had I been adopted, had a strong male figure or friend to come around to save me, or if some things would have happened in my youth I would have enjoyed life.
Why not just end it if it is all downhill?
So there I was in college, a social outcast with no luck making friends at all. Not a part of the in-crowd or anything, just a social outcast without any friends. So these were the prime years and it was all downhill from here, everything I ever wanted from friendships, fun experiences, social life, and things to look back on when I got older; college was it and I was not going to get it.
Such is the trap of college life, you are constantly fed by society that these are the best years of your life and the only way to go is down. From here, it is all downhill and all a walk through misery. I thought to myself that perhaps college life was the peak of life for all, you had your youth and your freedom along with being surrounded by thousands of others your same age. Here were the “best years” of life and something was seriously wrong with me for missing out.
Even if I wanted it after college, I would have been the only one wanting it while others around my age would be married with kids. I wouldn’t have any friends or any good life experiences to look back on. I would have been underdeveloped, never having had a youth while my future colleagues would have had it. My future wife would have had her fun and for me, it was a youth full of depression and social isolation. From here, it was all adulthood and all downhill, I would have been thrust into adulthood without really having had the chance to enjoy my youth.
I was powerless, a slave to my family, my circumstances, and never able to break free into the life I wanted. Even if I did, that life would probably not be there after college, only the life of “stability” where people in it already had their fun. Nothing in the future I looked at was fun, nothing promising. None of my other dreams materialized so I guess that was it, it’s time to end it.
I seriously thought about the idea of suicide, even looking up ideas on how to do it properly. Gunshot to my own temple? Jumping off a high building to land head first on the pavement? Drinking something so toxic it kills me? At one point, I was going to move forward with it but then a thought entered my head, what if I fuck this up?
What if, through some small chance, I actually survive the attempt? Well, I would be seriously disfigured and still be living a miserable life with even less opportunities. I weighed out all of my options, seriously considering everything, and after giving it serious thought I decided to roll the dice on life. I decided that whatever was to come or would happen was going to happen, there was a small chance that it could get better since the only way to go was up.