Note: This is the first in a two part series on dating coaches. In my next post I’ll talk about when I think it’s a good idea to see a coach and when it isn’t.
I have a confession to make, something that none of my closest friends know about me. I’ve only told one other person, and I knew he’d get it. I’ve seen a dating coach.
Most of the friends I’ve made in the last few years would probably be surprised to hear this. Up until the pandemic put a damper on things, I’ve almost always had at least one girl I’m dating, and sometimes two or three at a time. And I didn’t see the dating coach until more than a year after I really started having more success with women. So why the hell would I need to see a dating coach?
Even after I had gotten pretty good at getting girls through dating apps and my social circle, there was still one thing that paralyzed me with anxiety: cold approach. After I started having success on the dating apps, I thought I’d finally be ready for cold approach. So I met up with some guys through my local RSD group and went out to the bars to meet girls. Problem is, I was terrible at it. I was too scared to initiate a conversation on my own so I’d end up tagging along when one of them approached a group and talking to whichever girl they weren’t interested in. The thing is, once we got into the set, a lot of times the girl would be more interested in me than in the other dude. So I knew I could do cold approach, I just had to get over my approach anxiety.
I went out with these guys a few times thinking I’d eventually get over the approach anxiety, but it didn’t happen. I kept using them as a crutch and never really got any better. Every time we’d go out I would see these groups of gorgeous girls and feel this mixture of jealousy and frustration because I wanted to talk to them so badly but I knew I didn’t have it in me to approach them. So I knew the only way I’d actually improve is if someone forced me to get over my fears. And I figured the best way to do that would be a session with a dating coach.
I had dabbled in seduction forums like Seddit enough to have the basic lay of the land as far as dating coaches. I knew I didn’t want to see anyone from one of the bigger companies like RSD because I wasn’t looking for the type of prepackaged routines they tend to use. I just wanted someone to push me to approach and give me some tips on how to improve. So after doing some research, I settled on an independent dating coach who had very solid reviews. I won’t share his name here due to privacy concerns but if you message the blog through the contact section I’d be happy to share more. So for now I’ll call him Tom.
My first interaction with Tom was a phone consultation to get to know each other better, talk about what I was expecting from a coach, and go over logistical issues like price and location. Tom’s prices were higher than I wanted to pay but still lower than what I’d seen from other companies. And I knew that if I didn’t do it soon, I’d be regretting it for the rest of my life. So we settled on a package that would include spending several hours together for a weekend bootcamp, with a heavy focus on cold approach. He gave me the option of doing the bootcamp in the city where I was living or in the city where he lives, and I chose to go to him. I felt like the change of scenery and anonymity would help me feel more comfortable taking risks and getting out of my comfort zone.
We met at my hotel room on a Friday afternoon for the beginning of the bootcamp. The first couple hours were spent discussing some seduction basics, most of which I was familiar with already. But it was good to get a refresher before my first big night out. Later that day, we met at a popular bar and he gave me a mission. I had to get five numbers before the end of the night. And I wasn’t allowed to come back to talk to him until I got at least two of them. My adrenaline shot through the roof after hearing that, but I knew this was exactly what I needed. If no one forced me to do this, I would never do it, and I’d never improve.
My first move was to the bar, where I took as long as I possibly could to order a beer. Then I did a couple nervous laps around the bar until I found a couple cute girls sitting at a table together. Terrified but determined, I made a beeline to go talk to them. I can’t even remember how I opened them, but it was something simple like “how’s your night going?”. Whatever it was, I was shocked and thrilled by how well it worked. Before I knew it I was feeling relaxed and confident and having a great conversation with these girls. But it was early in the night and I had a mission. So I said I had to go meet my friend and asked the cuter one for her number before I left. She made an excuse about having a boyfriend but after I playfully pushed back a little, she gave it to me anyways. With my self-confidence soaring after that set, I quickly found another girl to approach. I didn’t even find her as hot as the first two girls but I was on a roll and didn’t want anything to stop me. We hit it off and within a few minutes I had my second number.
At this point, I was about ready to call it quits. Two numbers in one night felt crazy! But Tom would have none of it. He congratulated me on getting those numbers but after chatting with him for a couple minutes he told me it was time to get back out there. We were already well into the night by this point so the bar was getting packed. I saw these two gorgeous girls walk in, one redhead and one blonde, and started chatting them up. They were both a ton of fun to talk to, but I really hit it off with the blonde. We ended up talking for about an hour before I closed by getting her number. If I had lived in that city, I have no doubt we would have fucked after a date or two. That interaction was amazing, but it really drained me. It was getting close to closing time and I didn’t have it in me to get two more numbers. Tom acted a little disappointed but overall he was happy with how I did. I had killed my fear of approach anxiety and gotten three numbers in one night. Not bad at all.
The second day, Saturday, started with more lessons on seduction fundamentals. As we got towards the end of that part of the day, Tom gave me my mission for the second night: make out with two girls. When I heard that I felt this combination of terror and exhilaration. Less than 24 hours ago I was too afraid to do a cold approach and now he wanted me to make out with two girls I met through cold approach in one night? As I showered and got ready for the night out, my heart was pounding and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I’d do it. But I won’t lie – I loved it. Instead of thinking about work or other adult responsibilities that I had, I felt like I was back in high school or undergrad.
I leave for the bar and get a call from Tom when I’m on my way. He says he’ll be a little late and I need to do two approaches before he arrives. Even though I had just done it the night before, I could feel the approach anxiety coming back. I figured it would be best to dive right in, before I could get in my head too much. Before Tom arrived I had done two approaches and gotten a number. Neither were as attractive as the last girl from the previous night, but my confidence had returned. After a quick chat with Tom, I’m off do to another approach. I notice this super cute girl who had just gotten a drink at the bar. Brunette, curly hair, and a cool sense of style. I saw she was drinking a beer I like so I made a comment about that to open her.
She had her guard up at first, but I knew not to give up right away. Before long she got more relaxed and we were really hitting it off. We had been talking for about an hour when I asked if she wanted to go to a more quiet part of the bar. Unfortunately all of the tables in that section were occupied, so that’s probably where I should have asked her to come home with me. In hindsight, that’s what I should have done. But I told her I was in town staying with a friend when I was really in a hotel, and I wasn’t sure how to explain that. So we kept talking but before I could make a move to kiss her, her friends showed up and they decided to head to another bar. I got her number and I’m pretty confident we would have fucked pretty soon after that if I lived in town.
That interaction plus the two others earlier in the night had taken up the majority of the night. It was getting close to closing time and I still hadn’t made out with one girl, much less two. I went to talk to Tom, wondering what he’d say. To my surprise, he wasn’t disappointed. The mission to make out with two girls was just a test. The real goal was to stay in a set as long as possible, build as much comfort and attraction as possible, and see how far things went. If it was making out, great. And if not, I had the confidence to know I could make it happen another time.
We wrapped up the weekend with a debrief over brunch the following day. It hadn’t even been 48 hours but it felt like it had been a month since the start of the bootcamp. I had learned so much about myself and gained so much confidence, it was amazing. It reminded me of the types of experiences I had in college, when everything felt new and impactful.
When I got back home, I called up the RSD dudes the following weekend so we could put what I learned to the test. Over the course of that bootcamp, I had gone from being the worst guy in our group to the best. Knowing that I have the ability to talk to any girl I see has given me a huge boost in confidence, not just relating to cold approach, but with women in general. But here’s the thing – even now, most of the girls I sleep with I still meet either on the apps or through my social circle. Cold approach takes time, the odds are lower, and the girls tend to be flakier. But it’s been an important tool to have and it’s helped me become a lot more confident overall.
After reading this, some of you might be wondering if you should see a dating coach too. In many cases, I don’t think it’s a good idea. But there are some cases where I’d absolutely recommend it. In my next post I’ll dive more into my thoughts on when it’s a good idea and when it’s not.