You’ve had the chance to read my six part story, which can now be found on the about me page, and occasionally read about my nights out. As detailed as all of those were, there is so much more you have yet to learn about me. I make this post almost as my confession, something that will determine whether or not you should bother to continue reading this post. I will lose some of you as readers once you read this entire post and I am okay with that.
In some ways, this blog has made me out to be a success story that lives a glorious life and someone who has “made it”. While I have had my highlights in recent years, truth be told that I am far from making it or where I want to personally be in life right now. As much as there is to like about me and enjoy from my stories, there is also a lot you need to know about me which falls into the category of things I would not brag about. As for why I did this, I wanted you guys to really know me and where I am at, the kind of person you are receiving advice from. Here we go….
I am not very happy where I am at health wise right now, especially not fitness.
More towards the end of 2019, I started packing on the pounds. The nights of staying out late, having lots of junk food, and sleeping in for half of the day on weekends were already unhealthy. Add to that my work environment getting toxic, I had problems sleeping and started eating an unhealthy diet while not working out for months. The end result? I have gained about a little over twenty pounds and am at an overweight BMI right now, my bodyfat has dramatically increased to where I look like shit without a shirt on.
Compare this days when I hit my stride and looked great shirtless, even being told I could model and had girls hitting on me. Thankfully, my face somehow looks chiseled (still not where I used to be though) so I can I still get a reasonable amount of matches from dating apps. Thankfully, Pablo has come on-board to offer fitness advice which will be valuable for me moving forward to get the train back on track.
As my fitness struggled, so did my sex life, as in once I have girls in bed with me instead of attracting them.
I have had nights where I have had perfectly decent looking women in bed with me naked and I could not get it up, this was especially the case later on in 2019. Come to think of it, the last time I had sex where I was aroused and pleasured was around late August of 2019. I had met up with this one Virginia girl, obviously the same kind of look as most women I end up with, a tanned brunette. Back then, I was still in great shape and had not let myself go completely. Ever since I let myself go and the stresses of work picked up, it’s like my boner became unreliable.
I hold grudges and have a very tough time letting things go.
Forgive and forget are not in my dictionary, if someone wrongs me, at best I might forgive them but I will never forget what they did. Most of the times, I do not even find myself forgiving or forgetting. The good news is that it usually takes a lot to get me angry at someone but once I am pissed, I am pisssed at them for life. Even to this day, I have not forgiven my dad for what he put me through growing up, I’ve sent him angry messages before showing my frustration with him. As for my piece of crap manager who put me through humiliation, let’s just say that I still have nights where I wish he gets more karma coming to him (obviously not by my own doing though).You usually have to be a really shitty person to get my on my shit list but being a bully, taking advantage of the helpless, being sadistic, and being a hypocrite who tries to socially dominate others in a sneaky way will do it. I also hit people that stir the pot and love to start drama.
To some degree, I am still not over my shitty college experience.
While life after college without a doubt has a higher ceiling than life in college with the parties being better, girls hotter, and in some instances you having access to better friends; I am still not over having a miserable college experience. I’ve come a long way since a few years ago but to some degree, there are a lot of What Ifs there. What if I left the south for college and went up north? What if I had rebelled earlier against my parents? What if I went to the college I wanted to go to instead of the cheapest option? As much as I am over it in some ways, I cannot help but wonder where I would have been if I had done college right. While they are not the best years of life, they can be special and I no doubt missed out on some special and fun experiences.
Rushing a fraternity, the freshman dorm experience, being around a ton of people who are only a couple years older than me at most, having a crew, spring break, you name it. All of that I missed and it still bites at me but these days, it’s a lot more rare.
I have a drinking problem that I attribute to my sheltered youth and late bloomer lifestyle, my drinking problem got much worse after college.
I don’t need alcohol to get me going every day but when I go out on weekdays, I overindulge. A few weeks before the shutdown hit and bars were lively, I had about fifteen white claws one night and still managed to walk home fine, only having a hangover the next day which made me vomit. A part of it I blame on me being a social late bloomer, repressed throughout his youth and even having missed the college experiences. Sometimes, I just push my alcohol limits as much as possible and have woken up feeling so shitty that I was afraid I had alcohol poisoning. Unlike with most kids, my drinking skipped a phase of life and moved towards right after college.
Thankfully, I know when to take it easy such as on weekday but as soon as Friday or Saturday roll around? I am going ham.
I’d say I definitely fit the mold of being a “Peter Pan”, which is why I find it tough to leave NYC or even the idea of living in the city.
Due to a mixture of coming into form late, missing out on college, and having a repressed youth; I do not have any plans of settling down soon despite heading in my late-twenties. I have spent most of my weekends, at times even weekdays, going out to party. I have not had a real relationship in almost forever, preferring casual sex and one night stands. I have no interest in having a real relationship, being a dad, or moving to the suburbs. NYC was made for men like me and I am excited for what is to come in my thirties.
Now there is a caveat to this, I take my work and career very seriously, often showing up earlier than usual and staying a bit later. I think every man should be able to financially provide for himself and pay for his own shit. After that, I think a guy should be free to do what he wants with his life.
For me, that’s being a lifelong bachelor that has sex with lots of different women who are hot.
If I had to sum up my dream life, it would include me being single, having lots of money, becoming financially independent, traveling a lot, having lots of cool friends, and meeting and making love to lots of different women that are hot. I’d probably be a model photographer and help launch modeling careers for attractive women, who knows, when it gets to that point I share the pics with you guys. Maybe at some point I build something special for the world but I’d do it as a bachelor that sleeps around. I honestly do not see myself getting married or having kids, not because I can’t, it’s because I’ve missed out on too much.
Making lots of money, sleeping with lots of different women, being around models, photographing models, looking good myself, partying a lot, living in a fun city, and having a fun crowd of friends to be around; that would be the dream life so far. I could probably live like that for as long as possible and not complain.
In some ways, I kind of feel like my entire life is going to be based on living a socially and sexually hedonistic lifestyle to make up for a lonely nerdy past.
The thing is, I kind of know I won’t to the degree I want to. At some point though, maybe I get to the point of sleeping with so many attractive women and making so many chill friends that it kind of washes the past away. At one point, I’ve done so much and had so much fun that I can finally say enough is enough and walk away. Knowing myself and how I find it tough to let go of things, I don’t think that day will really come. I am completely okay with accepting that I do what I do due to a shit past and that is what drives me every day. In some ways, my journey towards having lots of sex with a lot of different women and making cool friends is driven by me not having had that in my youth.
I actually believe in astrology, not the newspaper kind, but the thorough kind where you have to do a natal chart. It was kind of eye-opening.
I would actually recommend that all of you who have an idea of your exact birth time do a natal chart, for those who are a bit open to believing out of the box stuff, it offers a lot of legitimate details about why you are who you are. If you have not done a natal chart before, you have not really tried astrology, all of the pop media stuff they post is fake. When I did the basic zodiac sign stuff, it was nonsense and sounded fake. When I had an entire chart done, it was almost scary accurate how a lot of what was pointed out was true about me. Most of all, it pointed to where I was potentially weak and what I needed to work on, such as confirming how I hold grudges. I am not completely sold on Astrology but I do believe in it to some degree.
As much as I love writing, I want to eventually make money off of this blog.
I love writing and sharing my story, a lot! Truth be told though that I do want to make this blog another source of income, not now but ideally a year from now. Right now, I am giving it until about the summer of 2021 to see where this blog goes. Ideally by then, I might have an e-book or something which would cost money. If it does not make financial sense by then for me to keep running this blog, I might post rarely or every now and then. Getting rid of this blog is not out of the question either.
Most of all, I don’t really plan on changing much about myself.
Sure, I do want to lose weight and look good and sometimes I wish I didn’t hold grudges but other than that, I am not going to change that much about myself. Even with drinking, I moderate more but I still need to have my nights where I am going all out. The only thing for me now is to look good, make some more money, get laid more with better looking women and other than that I am content with my life.