Is the cold approach dead?

In my previous post, I talked about how he world of dating has transformed alongside the world of sales. The question we left off with is just like cold calling, is the cold approach potentially dead?

Cold approaching has been the bread and butter of game ever since pickup artists became popular but even well before that. The idea is that you walk up to a woman you do not personally know and one that does not know you, introduce yourself, and try to get with her. You see stories all throughout of how a guy went up to a girl during the day, “cold approached” her, and ended up turning that into a day and then a lay. An idea in business is that you pick up the phone, call someone, and eventually they give you their business because you were so bold and brave. Sure, a lot will say no but it’s a “numbers game”.

Well, even in the world of business, the cold call is not dead.

The cold call will always be a thing in the world of business and a way to get opportunities. Instead, the way a cold call is done is different now than back in the day. Back in the day, you could just use generic cookie cutter call and if you had the confidence and pitch down, people would buy from you. You often found this in hyper-aggressive and macho sales reps who embodied the bro culture, often bullshitting potential clients until one gave them a chance and ruining the company’s brand in the long-term. As the profession evolved, those types of reps found themselves slowly out the door or came under a lot of fire, usually resulting in getting out of the industry or working in less evolved (usually less lucrative) industries.

Despite all that, the cold call did not die, it is still one of the key ways that salesmen help grow a business. What changed is that the cold call evolved and became a different kind of a cold call. Instead of wasting time spam calling until someone agreed to a meeting, salesmen became choosy in who they reached out to and did their research.

From what one of my closest friends who is a sales coach says, you can no longer thrive in sales based on just your charisma, boldness and “grit” alone, even though both are key. Instead, you need to know what the fuck you are talking about as well as knowing your market, especially how your products helps it. This means picking your personas carefully and knowing exactly what to go at them with. It means not throwing shit at a wall until something sticks and instead having an idea of what it is going in with the person you are talking to and their company.

If salesmen didn’t cold call, they’d be out of a job. Remember, I said that salesmen cannot get by on just cold calling alone but they still need to have it in their arsenal and use it. A salesman (or woman) these days who relies exclusively on cold calling will always lose to a salesman (or woman) of equal talent and drive who uses all methods.

Instead, the cold call gets turned more into a warm call where the salesman knows more about the persona, their business, their industry, and has given them a reason to stay on the phone instead of hanging up. As you can see, it still takes courage to call a total stranger and ask for their time but the confidence is in the fact that you know your shit and did your research.

Cold approach is not dead, in fact, I think the guys that reach the highest levels need that grit, courage, and boldness to talk to women who are strangers but it is not in the way you think.

The guys who are doing cold approach correctly are not going up to girls with generic pickup lines or hitting on them out of the blue like you see with Youtube Pranksters. Instead, these guys are far from pickup artists, their cold approaches seem natural. When a girl is asked how it all happened, all she has to do is say it “just happened”. Things “just happen” for these guys, which is the vibe they give off in their interactions.

Take for example your typical pickup artist at a bar, he goes around and spam approaches women left and right. The lines used are routine and very redundant, even others at the bar notice it. Psychological tricks and mind games are used to get a girl to do something, which is very typical of this kind of a persona. Don’t get me wrong, with enough grit and boldness, eventually this guy will find some girl that night to go home with.

Now look at the guy for who things “just happen”, make no mistakes about it at all, he is still cold approaching. Instead, he is observing the situation at hand and getting a feel for things instead of blindly making a move. The guy for who things “just happen” is almost feeling out the environment and the vibes it is giving off.

Is the bar a quiet cocktail bar? Is it a loud nightclub? Is it a place where most people are in groups? Is it a dive bar women are crashing at after going out? Are people making out? Is everyone being formal?

These are the questions that come to the mind of the guy for whom things “just happen”, if not consciously then subconsciously. Such a guy does not look around and leer at situations, his intuition has a way of “accidentally” bumping into the woman he had his eyes on or just naturally easing into that situation.

When he does make the cold approach, and once again he is making them, they are done in such a smooth way that they come off more as natural and less as a guy trying to “run game”. The guy might make a comment about the situation at hand, pick up on how she is feeling and comment on that, and get her to break her guard. After that, the conversation naturally flows and before the night is over, he is walking out a winner.

Now take what some call “daygame”.

Your typical pickup artist will go around, do magic tricks, hop up in front of girls, and act like this here (cringe warning). For the pickup artist, it is about quantity and doing X amount of approaches so he can claim he did enough approaches. Women are a number to him and something for him to boast about on field reports.

Now for a guy who has things “just happen”, the approach is different. Such a guy will feel out the situation and see what is going on. Obviously doing pickup lines when a girl is with her parents and in public is not advised, this guy understands that. So this type of a guy feels out what is going on with the situation at hand and if the moment is right, approaches but does so in a socially normal way.

How can you actually tell the two apart?

With the pickup artist, it looks like a guy trying to run game when you are on the outside looking in. You see a guy who is trying to wow a woman and from the outside looking in, it seems really obvious.

With the guy who does it naturally and feels the situation out, you almost feel like either they are together or he has something that she wants. You feel like as a viewer that something he did or owns or chatted to her about is very relevant to her. It feels and looks like a normal conversation, not a guy “running game”.

Women are great at reading in-between the lines so when a guy does go for a close and say that they stay in touch, she knows what he wants. It all comes back to the truth, why else would such a guy really talk to her out of the blue. Yet, the guy understands the situation and acts in the right way to it, not making her feel uncomfortable.

The other key difference is that she was not just a number, the approach had such a purpose and was done so well that she almost had to stay in and listen. Such a guy will not waste his time with spammy approaches, every conversation has a purpose. If he chats with a girl, there is something relevant he has for her and it is not a canned opener.

Cold approach is not dead, spam approaching is.

4 Thoughts

    1. You kind of learn it by picking up on cues and getting a gage on people. Like reading body language to see if some people are approachable versus others that are not.

  1. Hey Millenial. So I notice that when you think of pickup artists you’re always envisioning the lowest common denominator amongst these guys. You’re highlighting the clumsy,timid,super tryhard guys who spam approach girls and don’t really get a lot of results. These guys don’t really represent effective approaching. Some guys aren’t aware of their own behaviors while others know they’re not approaching very well. But there’s no shortcut to approaching effectively. You’re going to have to risk embarassing yourself or not being smooth in order to achieve results from cold approaching. You say that the guy who does it right just does it “naturally” but how do you think guys get to a point where it becomes natural for them to approach women and not come off awkward or make the woman uncomfortable? Thru practice. When you first start approaching women and you’re not used to it obviously you’re going to have to speak to a lot of women dating is a numbers game. You don’t just get to pick and choose one girl to talk to and you make stuff happen. Late bloomers or guys who are not very experienced with women can’t just naturally approach women out of the blue without feeling uncomfortable or incongruent. They have to develop it over practice and tweaking their approach and recognizing bad habits and eliminating them. They need to incorporate charm and sexuality to themselves,but it doesn’t “just happen” because you have the will and the awareness to do it happens because you work on your craft and refine it. If you want to see guys who are legit pickup artists that don’t use pickup lines(which is just a false stereotype) and are actually very good cold approachers check out denton fisher and tony depp. These guys are dating coaches who learned how to get women thru pickup and teach men very well.

    1. Paragraphs man, paragraphs! My mindset is that you are better off trying to get good with people and read them through building your social life than being the guy that just spam approaches.

      I have heard of the other dating coaches and I just don’t vibe with their content. To me, dating should be a part of who you are and human. It should not be branded as some special Casanova magic trick or skill, you get better with dating by first learning to get better with people in general.

      You are better off learning social cues so you do not come off as that oddball cold approacher. You learn to warm approach more and pick out girls who are interested. None of the pickup content gets that and it denies the importance of things such as looks.

      I have also found the industry slow to evolve and still churning out social oddballs.

Leave a Reply