Is the cold approach dead?

In my previous post, I talked about how he world of dating has transformed alongside the world of sales. The question we left off with is just like cold calling, is the cold approach potentially dead?

Cold approaching has been the bread and butter of game ever since pickup artists became popular but even well before that. The idea is that you walk up to a woman you do not personally know and one that does not know you, introduce yourself, and try to get with her. You see stories all throughout of how a guy went up to a girl during the day, “cold approached” her, and ended up turning that into a day and then a lay. An idea in business is that you pick up the phone, call someone, and eventually they give you their business because you were so bold and brave. Sure, a lot will say no but it’s a “numbers game”.

Well, even in the world of business, the cold call is not dead.

The cold call will always be a thing in the world of business and a way to get opportunities. Instead, the way a cold call is done is different now than back in the day. Back in the day, you could just use generic cookie cutter call and if you had the confidence and pitch down, people would buy from you. You often found this in hyper-aggressive and macho sales reps who embodied the bro culture, often bullshitting potential clients until one gave them a chance and ruining the company’s brand in the long-term. As the profession evolved, those types of reps found themselves slowly out the door or came under a lot of fire, usually resulting in getting out of the industry or working in less evolved (usually less lucrative) industries.

Despite all that, the cold call did not die, it is still one of the key ways that salesmen help grow a business. What changed is that the cold call evolved and became a different kind of a cold call. Instead of wasting time spam calling until someone agreed to a meeting, salesmen became choosy in who they reached out to and did their research.

From what one of my closest friends who is a sales coach says, you can no longer thrive in sales based on just your charisma, boldness and “grit” alone, even though both are key. Instead, you need to know what the fuck you are talking about as well as knowing your market, especially how your products helps it. This means picking your personas carefully and knowing exactly what to go at them with. It means not throwing shit at a wall until something sticks and instead having an idea of what it is going in with the person you are talking to and their company.

If salesmen didn’t cold call, they’d be out of a job. Remember, I said that salesmen cannot get by on just cold calling alone but they still need to have it in their arsenal and use it. A salesman (or woman) these days who relies exclusively on cold calling will always lose to a salesman (or woman) of equal talent and drive who uses all methods.

Instead, the cold call gets turned more into a warm call where the salesman knows more about the persona, their business, their industry, and has given them a reason to stay on the phone instead of hanging up. As you can see, it still takes courage to call a total stranger and ask for their time but the confidence is in the fact that you know your shit and did your research.

Cold approach is not dead, in fact, I think the guys that reach the highest levels need that grit, courage, and boldness to talk to women who are strangers but it is not in the way you think.

The guys who are doing cold approach correctly are not going up to girls with generic pickup lines or hitting on them out of the blue like you see with Youtube Pranksters. Instead, these guys are far from pickup artists, their cold approaches seem natural. When a girl is asked how it all happened, all she has to do is say it “just happened”. Things “just happen” for these guys, which is the vibe they give off in their interactions.

Take for example your typical pickup artist at a bar, he goes around and spam approaches women left and right. The lines used are routine and very redundant, even others at the bar notice it. Psychological tricks and mind games are used to get a girl to do something, which is very typical of this kind of a persona. Don’t get me wrong, with enough grit and boldness, eventually this guy will find some girl that night to go home with.

Now look at the guy for who things “just happen”, make no mistakes about it at all, he is still cold approaching. Instead, he is observing the situation at hand and getting a feel for things instead of blindly making a move. The guy for who things “just happen” is almost feeling out the environment and the vibes it is giving off.

Is the bar a quiet cocktail bar? Is it a loud nightclub? Is it a place where most people are in groups? Is it a dive bar women are crashing at after going out? Are people making out? Is everyone being formal?

These are the questions that come to the mind of the guy for whom things “just happen”, if not consciously then subconsciously. Such a guy does not look around and leer at situations, his intuition has a way of “accidentally” bumping into the woman he had his eyes on or just naturally easing into that situation.

When he does make the cold approach, and once again he is making them, they are done in such a smooth way that they come off more as natural and less as a guy trying to “run game”. The guy might make a comment about the situation at hand, pick up on how she is feeling and comment on that, and get her to break her guard. After that, the conversation naturally flows and before the night is over, he is walking out a winner.

Now take what some call “daygame”.

Your typical pickup artist will go around, do magic tricks, hop up in front of girls, and act like this here (cringe warning). For the pickup artist, it is about quantity and doing X amount of approaches so he can claim he did enough approaches. Women are a number to him and something for him to boast about on field reports.

Now for a guy who has things “just happen”, the approach is different. Such a guy will feel out the situation and see what is going on. Obviously doing pickup lines when a girl is with her parents and in public is not advised, this guy understands that. So this type of a guy feels out what is going on with the situation at hand and if the moment is right, approaches but does so in a socially normal way.

How can you actually tell the two apart?

With the pickup artist, it looks like a guy trying to run game when you are on the outside looking in. You see a guy who is trying to wow a woman and from the outside looking in, it seems really obvious.

With the guy who does it naturally and feels the situation out, you almost feel like either they are together or he has something that she wants. You feel like as a viewer that something he did or owns or chatted to her about is very relevant to her. It feels and looks like a normal conversation, not a guy “running game”.

Women are great at reading in-between the lines so when a guy does go for a close and say that they stay in touch, she knows what he wants. It all comes back to the truth, why else would such a guy really talk to her out of the blue. Yet, the guy understands the situation and acts in the right way to it, not making her feel uncomfortable.

The other key difference is that she was not just a number, the approach had such a purpose and was done so well that she almost had to stay in and listen. Such a guy will not waste his time with spammy approaches, every conversation has a purpose. If he chats with a girl, there is something relevant he has for her and it is not a canned opener.

Cold approach is not dead, spam approaching is.

Author: The Millennial

Just some random millennial man giving you his life experiences unfiltered.

8 thoughts

    1. You kind of learn it by picking up on cues and getting a gage on people. Like reading body language to see if some people are approachable versus others that are not.

  1. Hey Millenial. So I notice that when you think of pickup artists you’re always envisioning the lowest common denominator amongst these guys. You’re highlighting the clumsy,timid,super tryhard guys who spam approach girls and don’t really get a lot of results. These guys don’t really represent effective approaching. Some guys aren’t aware of their own behaviors while others know they’re not approaching very well. But there’s no shortcut to approaching effectively. You’re going to have to risk embarassing yourself or not being smooth in order to achieve results from cold approaching. You say that the guy who does it right just does it “naturally” but how do you think guys get to a point where it becomes natural for them to approach women and not come off awkward or make the woman uncomfortable? Thru practice. When you first start approaching women and you’re not used to it obviously you’re going to have to speak to a lot of women dating is a numbers game. You don’t just get to pick and choose one girl to talk to and you make stuff happen. Late bloomers or guys who are not very experienced with women can’t just naturally approach women out of the blue without feeling uncomfortable or incongruent. They have to develop it over practice and tweaking their approach and recognizing bad habits and eliminating them. They need to incorporate charm and sexuality to themselves,but it doesn’t “just happen” because you have the will and the awareness to do it happens because you work on your craft and refine it. If you want to see guys who are legit pickup artists that don’t use pickup lines(which is just a false stereotype) and are actually very good cold approachers check out denton fisher and tony depp. These guys are dating coaches who learned how to get women thru pickup and teach men very well.

    1. Paragraphs man, paragraphs! My mindset is that you are better off trying to get good with people and read them through building your social life than being the guy that just spam approaches.

      I have heard of the other dating coaches and I just don’t vibe with their content. To me, dating should be a part of who you are and human. It should not be branded as some special Casanova magic trick or skill, you get better with dating by first learning to get better with people in general.

      You are better off learning social cues so you do not come off as that oddball cold approacher. You learn to warm approach more and pick out girls who are interested. None of the pickup content gets that and it denies the importance of things such as looks.

      I have also found the industry slow to evolve and still churning out social oddballs.

      1. I guess your biggest objection is that dating or fucking women isn’t a skill. But it is a skill whether you agree or not. Pickup doesn’t encourage magic tricks or mind manipulation and I hate that people believe this is what pickup is about.

        If getting girls would came naturally to men then there would never be any men who struggle with getting women and they would all get whoever they want. Just cuz you find girls who are interested in you doesn’t mean they will fuck you. Girls might find a guy attractive,but that doesn’t mean they will put out for them. Attraction from women doesn’t guarantee you get action from them. Men still have to flirt and lead women that’s their role.

        Social circle dating is it’s own area and comes with it’s own obstacles. You don’t get better with sleeping and dating women just from socializing with them from a social circle.

        One it’s more pressure to try and date girls from your friend group or work environment if you’re not smooth and don’t know what you’re doing and the majority of men don’t. You’re too careful and too cautious because you’re a known guy and don’t wanna fuck up.

        Two your social reputation comes into play for her and you. Women don’t want to ruin their reputation in their social group by dating and fucking a low value guy. Also you as a man don’t want to feel humilated or embarassed by being turned down and making a mistake with a girl who your colleagues and associates know.

        Third you’ll always be limited by the number of girls in your social circle. There will be a small sample size of women and most of them probably won’t like you. The ones that do you’re going to put a lot of pressure on yourself and she might not be that interested in sleeping with you. Girls like having good looking friends. Also you can’t just ask out every girl in your circle without some consequences.

        Cold approaching you’re a total stranger so none of these things matter. You don’t have to worry about what your peers think or her peers. If you live in a big city you have a lot of women to speak to. Dating is a numbers game and you have to talk to a lot of women to find the ones you click with. Spam approaching isn’t encouraged but it’s a lot better than doing nothing or only approaching 1 woman a month. It becomes a problem if you’re not making real progress or you’re too robotic.

        Looks do matter and pickup doesn’t advise against this. They encourage men to maximize their attractiveness and their fundamentals to improve their odds of attracting the women they want. Pickup just tells you that you don’t need to be a 6’2 male model chad to get women.

        I can tell you don’t like how technical and gamey people from pickup can sound which is why you would rather encourage guys to just be “natural”. Saying dating should come naturally to men is the equivalent of saying “just be yourself” which I think you know is shit advice because if being yourself worked you wouldn’t have guys who struggle with women. Guys like me wouldn’t be interested in your blog.

        I know this was a lot. If you read this thanks.

    2. Replying to your most recent response. My blog and mentality is not for everyone and I do want to double down on being authentic and more of yourself. In fact, I think almost all pickup related content is nonsense. Calling anything “seduction” is cringe and cheesy, like seriously, it is not something you would say to a group of socially attuned people. In fact, almost all men I knew who tried to “learn game” were eventually unhappy and unfulfilled in their ventures.

      Some may have got with an average looking girl here and there but they lacked people skills which made them oddballs when talking to higher quality women and in socially connected spaces. Many were weird and came off as quite aspie whenever they tried to interact with socially refined people.

      I am not against cold approach, I encourage it in the right environments even. What I am against is turning men into spam approachers or men always on the prowl because they watched too many pickup videos.

      Like this is a legitimate seduction coach making a fool out of himself:
      https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/eb1j9l/a_pickup_artist_in_action_just_cant_take_a_hint/

      Yeah cold approach is not discouraged but as I said in this post, do not be that spammy annoying guy. Even in the biggest cities, you will eventually catch a reputation in the neighborhood and area that you do not want.

      1. Ok well I just have one last thing to share on this topic and the video you shared and then i’m done no matter what you reply back.

        I watched that video and yes that guy was cringy as fuck and I even felt uncomfortable,uneasy and pissed watching that. But I can easily point out what that guy did wrong.

        One from the get go he came off really nervous and timid in his voice,body language and mannerisms. The women felt it from this guy because women are very good at feeling emotions and this guy shared that bad energy with them which is why they. He kept mumbling,repeating himself asking awkward questions and making bad jokes.

        Two he did not respect the women’s social boundaries. He disrupted their coversation and didn’t provide anything of value to them. He kept trying to intrude on their conversation and forcing the women to contribute when that’s not their responsibility. That guy was not socially calibrated at all to the situation. The girls repeatedly told him that they wanted to return to their conversation and he didn’t understand that they wanted him to leave. Or maybe he did,but didn’t give a fuck. He just stood there awkwardly,stared at them expecting them to carry the conversation and built up bad uncomfortable tension for the women there. He shoulda ejected 30 seconds in when there was complete silence and they was just staring at him. Instead he just laughs and trys to keep the conversation going.

        Three he mentioned his therapist which you never say around women. If you mention to women in the middle of a uncomfortablenor heated conversation that you have a therapist it just implies you have a lot wrong with you with that guy he clearly did.

        Four he did not understand social cues which was the girls not responding well to them and not recognizing that they wanted him to leave. The women were too nice and polite to tell him to leave or fuck off which I woulda done. To get women to leave their bench after three minutes trying to force talk to them is the worst possible outcome. That guy said so much retard shit I wouldn’t be suprised if he didn’t have any friends.

        Like I said before you keep thinking that’s what pickup is spamming approaching women awkwardly going up them,making them uncomfortable,being cringe and not leaving. That was his biggest issue that he wouldn’t fucking leave them alone. He put way too much pressure on himself to and kept trying to salvage the conversation when he should’ve just gave up when it was obvious it wouldn’t have gone anywhere.

        If you really think that was a legit dating/seduction coach then idk you’re kind of a dumbass for believing so LOL. That guy was not in any universe a real coach he was just some wannabe who read some pickup shit,but didn’t have basic socializing skills. That’s the worst possible way to approach women in a park bench in nyc. I would not even want to be friends with a guy like that.

        Yes basic social skills,social awareness and understanding of cues are ABSOLUTELY important. If you don’t even have those things you shouldn’t do pickup. Learn to do those things first.

        Dating coaches do not advocate for those types of interactions and don’t want men to do that and advise against that. If some dweeb goes out and tries to pickup women in that manner that doesn’t fall on the pickup blog they got the idea from.

        The ones that gave up on game and felt unfufilled and unhappy did so because they most likely, didn’t achieve the outcomes they wanted, didn’t set any feasible goals, didn’t think longterm and only focused on short term results. I guarantee you if those guys were consistently pulling dimes they would tell you they loved it and it was worth it,but they didn’t. Also not every guy is the same. There are thousands of variables and factors that go into why men don’t suceed with pickup or why they’re not progressing the way they like.

        I told you some real legit coaches who know what they’re doing and actually properly teach men how to improve their dating lives and make it seem “natural” as you prefer. Guys who are not ignorant, very self aware,who practice game and actually get quality results know not to discuss game and pickup with normal people around them.

        https://www.girlschase.com/content/dont-talk-about-pickup-other-people

        Anyways I didn’t mean to be so contentious. I actually really enjoy reading your blog. Your story and how you changed your life is an inspiration to me. I’m only passionate about seduction just because this knowledge really changed my life and I would’ve been worse off had I not discovered it. If this doesn’t change your mind that’s totally fine.

    3. Not sure why it is so tough to respond to your latest post. Anyways, that guy is actually none other than Todd V who has a very legitimate seduction/pickup channel on Youtube, he is a former RSD coach.

      You are not going to change my mind on pickup and I would never tell any young guy struggling to go into it. In most cases, you ruin your reputation and the world is a smaller place than you may think. You never know if that awkward approach was your future boss’s wife or daughter, you just never know. What I do advocate for is getting comfortable talking to strangers and being laid back and natural with it. Do not try to number close in public and make it seem like you are being obvious with the pickup.

      The only place I advocate running “game” is at bars and areas where it is socially acceptable to try and move on women. Do not be that straightforward and thirsty in public, it comes off as cringey. I did do a post on cold approach and how it should be done right.

      Most of all, it takes me back to the content of my post. Every approach should be more warm and targeted, not spammy canned pickup lines. Every approach should be fit for the situation and made when you feel like there is a good reason for you to talk to her and close.

      As for the link, I find that site to be kind of cringey. I don’t advocate teaching “seduction” or branding it as that, it comes off as try-hard and sets the wrong frame.

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