I have recently found myself getting a lot of mail about my dislike for Pickup and “Seduction”. In the past, I have mentioned how this is not meant to be a pickup or seduction blog. What I did want to discuss today is a key difference I have seen with naturals and guys who struggle a lot, especially those trying to learn “game”.
The thing about naturals and guys who are good with women is that they “get it”. If I was to describe these guys, they are good at just feeling things out and getting a “vibe” for people. So much of their communication is invisible but the emotions they incite in a woman line up to where they want them to. You will find these guys having a good time at parties and girls loving their “vibe”.
Now I compare this to what pickup artists, game followers, and guys that struggle have in common. Most I have known seem to be “calculated” and “analytical” when it comes to game and women. The mindset being I must do X number of approaches or say X thing at X point in the conversation. What this does is it leads to them lacking flow and the emotional vibe just not being there.
You commonly find that STEM careers in men that struggle to get girls solely because men in these careers are paid to be calculated. The problem with women and dating is that so much of the communication is emotional. It is not really about what you tell her, it is about how you make her feel. All too often, guys who struggle fail to get this.
They can have all of the lines right and “methods” down pact but in the end, get so caught up in the semantics and the process that they fail. Guys that struggle will overthink things, be too scared to take action, come off as scripted/calculated, and lack that flow of emotions and vibe which are so key to getting a girl hooked.
So what is to blame here?
I think part of it is that men who naturally struggle get taught to “put in the work” by making a lot of approaches or going out to “sarge”. While this is not the worst strategy out there and I do recommend that newer guys out at night, the wrong thing is measured here. What gets measured is how many approaches you do or what kind of a report you can write. Even afterwards, what you said to the girl and how she took it.
Instead, what should be focused on is how you felt when you made that approach and how your vibe was like. Were you awkward? Did you feel scared? Did you go up to her in a casual yet confident way? Did you come off as to PUA like? What happened?
See, this is where we need to actually focus a lot on, how were your emotions and vibes like on your third approach compared to your other approaches. At this rate, you can make thousands of approaches and see absolutely no success because you keep coming off as that awkward guy who just doesn’t “get it”.
How can guys who struggle actually improve themselves?
For one, I recommend just practicing your social skills with anyone even if they are not hot women. How can you chat with other guys? How do you socially do with other people in general? Can you have casual and fun conversations with other people that result in laughter and good emotions? If so, now translate that on to your interactions with women at the start. Be more casual with them to take the pressure off of yourself, that way you can crack jokes when they are being mean.
Now, you can work more on being bold and going for the ask whether it is being able to isolate her or take her home. You have shown yourself to be a guy who gets people and not someone who is calculated and fails to get social cues. I truly believe most guys would be better off learning social skills than learning game if they are struggling.