A couple years ago, I was hanging out with a friend and his cousin from Toronto. Now for those of you who are not aware, it is considered one of the toughest cities in North America for dating and meeting women. The reasons are plentiful but they involve things such as: Pickup culture that results in men spam approaching women, lack of attractive women overall (from what guys who have been there say), an overall shallow and vain culture, lower quality club scene, things being spread out, heavy social circle game, and women that are more narcissitic than average.
Common wisdom says that any man who can survive in that kind of an environment and do well must be able to do well anywhere right?
Well, my friend’s cousin, let’s call him Brian, was convinced that his two months in NYC were going to be a cakewalk for him compared to Toronto. I have known many women from Toronto and could confirm that his complaints were legitimate.
After going out with Brian about six or seven times that summer, the results were not really promising. Now on the surface, Brian seemed to be okay. As a white guy with dark hair who was almost six feet tall, I though that he might be able to get something at least. Well, after a couple months, Brian did a lot of approaching but Manhattan was not kind to him. I saw Brian get two numbers, that was it.
Over the years, I have known men from other tough dating environments like San Francisco, Toronto, Italy, Spain, and Los Angeles come through NYC only to fail or leave with lackluster results. When I did see these men do well? It was if they were playing status games and social circle, not really through cold approaching, night outings, or going for women they had just met that night. I started to reflect on why it is that men who seemed to grow up in these environments were actually not thriving like one thought they would.
In a way, I could relate to being from a tough environment myself.
Growing up in a smaller deep south city where people got married by 22 and the hottest girls were taken by 18, I thought that I would be able to march into NYC and do well myself. I though that compared to the guys who had it easy being in an NYC, I would be crushing it. After all, my competition had never faced struggles with game right? Well, I realized that soon that if I wanted to do well in NYC, it was going to take a lot of effort.
Meanwhile, the men I saw do well were from cities where the dating environment is not really that tough and women were known to be of high quality. Of my friends that do well with women, I notice a lot of them tend to be from cities in Florida like Miami where beautiful women are a plenty. I also notice my friends from Scandinavian countries are also doing quite well and have a natural cool charm to them as well.
So why is it that men who survived the harsh dating climates of a tough city or culture somehow not pan out?
Well, I found quite a few reasons why after hanging out with a few and even doing some self-reflection.
When you are around so many women who are supposedly narcissistic, status hungry, heartless, cruel, and all a bunch of empty club selfie queens; it starts to wear on you. When you are around lower quality women in general for so long, it starts to eat away at you. I noticed how my friends from tougher dating environments were just bitter and it rubbed off on their social interactions.
People, especially women, can detect that bitterness and negativity in a quick second. Women will start to see when it seeps into your vibe and the way you are presenting yourself, quickly distancing themselves from you. If there is one common trait I saw with men from tough dating environments, it was that bitterness. The negativity eventually showed and came with a bad vibe that had women running for the hills.
Thirst and eagerness.
When you are in environments where quality women are rare, you are going to be like a kid in a candy store once you come to a quality city. You will act too excited and too eager for your own good, at times even creeping women out. I saw this a lot in my friends from tough dating environments as they interacted with and approached women, they were very eager and came off as desperate. I can understand that being from a tough environment, it can be hard to cultivate an abundance mentality.
One of my friends from San Francisco would constantly look around and leer at women on the streets when we were hanging out in the Lower East Side, often raving about the “talent”. Needless to say that at times, it was so bad that women overheard him and you could see the creeped out look on their faces. To finish the story, my friend left NYC without any success.
Seeing it as a “game” needing to be won.
If there was one trait I saw a lot with men from tough environments, they saw it all as a “game”. One trait I noticed is that these men would go out and just go hungry with racking up approaches, telling you how they got the guts to talk to a woman. Many of them did it with the goal of getting enough approaches in, like an elementary PUA would. A lot of them even made it obvious that they were leering at and approaching women, something that women in the venue picked up on fast.
It was never about just going to the place to enjoy the times and then transferring that good energy on to a woman. For almost all of these men, including myself at some point, it was that undue pressure to get as many approaches as possible. You were on a mission when you went out, not going out to enjoy a great night and transferring that great feeling to other people.
So those are three things the losing side got wrong, what did the winning side get right then?
So I have told you about what men from so called tougher cities who failed in a decent environment in NYC got wrong. Now, I want to tell you what the men who thrived (and were usually from areas with lots of decent women) got right.
One of my friends, Alex, was from Sweden and he had decent looks but his vibe was very much telling of an abundance mentality. I’d go out with Alex to find that he would lay back and take in the views, at times women even approaching us. When it came to meeting women with Alex, it “just happened”. Alex would joke, never look at the prettiest girl at the bar, but say that she would be a 6 in Sweden as I giggled at his comment. Sometimes, Alex did walk out with the prettiest girl at the bar.
Another friend of mines was this Indian guy from Nashville who was good with women growing up. Based on his social media page, he definitely knew a lot of them in his youth. I’d notice how he was so relaxed and calm around the finest women in the city, some actually took up to this and opened up to him. One was at the bar being harassed by a loud thirsty guy so she chatted with him instead. I noticed this same effect with my friend as well, women would gravitate towards us on the few nights we went out.
My friends from environments where there were good women were positive people. For them, women were not the enemy or someone to be conquered, they were people. I’d say most of these men were naturals and it could have been due to the fact that the easier environment had them losing their virginity at an earlier age. Needless to say, their positive vibes rubbed off on the environment and drew quality women to them. I did not notice the same bitterness with them that I noticed with my friends from tougher environments, they had not been as beat down by toxic women and people yet perhaps.
My friends from places like Miami or Stockholm had been there and done that at their age. For them, talking to beautiful women was a norm and a part of life. Men I know from quality places were constantly around beautiful women with decent personalities and interacting with them on the regular. When they came to NYC, a lot of the men I knew from good environments were able to seamlessly fit right in. Confidence comes from competence, once you have regularly done something in an efficient way enough times, it is easy to have confidence. In reality, my friends from good environments had literally been there and done that many times compared to my friends from tough environments.
Lack of desperation.
My friends from easier environments were far from desperate, as a matter of fact they were the opposite of desperate. I saw a lot of them pass up indicators of interest and hints from cute girls only because they were out to have a good time. My friends from tougher environments would have killed for that very reaction of a hair play or accidental touch by a girl, something that my friends from easier environments naturally got a lot of. I guess there is something to be said of the power behind not wanting something and then actually getting it.
Now does this mean you need to worry if you are in a tough environment?
Say you are from a city where the personality of the women is more toxic and quality lower than average, does that mean you are screwed? I want to say that at the end of the day, you control your own destiny. The point of my post was to bring up the fact that naturally, you will be at a disadvantage.
Even if you did manage to do decent in a poor quality city, your biggest obstacle will be overcoming the bitterness and negativity you may have accumulated towards women. I find this bitterness towards women to be the biggest driver in the lack of success with the opposite sex. Your focus should be on cultivating a more positive mindset as the same games that may have worked on a desperate club tramp trying to get the best selfie in one city might not work in another city.
Better yet, if you are in a tough place, do not think you may be able to waltz into a city with high quality and score as high as you initially thought. Happy to hear of other experiences.