Lately, I have noticed that through my comments and through PMs, I have received a great deal of requests from Indian and South Asian men around dating advice. While I cannot give any advice on dating in India, I do realize that a great number of the requests come from Indian men in the western world. The post is meant for Indian men who are in the western world, even if born and raised.
Boy oh boy do I have a lot to say.
I have interacted with a lot of Indians in my life and it is a theme for Indian men to join movements like PUA (Pickup Artist). For a while, I was thinking if this post should be broken up into a multiple part series but I realized that we may just be best off getting it all out of the way here, for now.
Throughout the years, I have learned that it is not easy to help Indian guys see the light when it comes to dating advice and talking to women. While my Asian friends are open to feedback and learning where to improve, I notice that Indian men will fight and argue with you every step of the way to where even the most well-meaning men will give up trying to help. Even as I explore and look at online communities where Indian men gather to have discussions on dating, the one word that constantly comes to mind is toxic.
I realize that with my post, I am going to offend a lot of Indian men but there is a good chance that a handful will get where I am coming from and improve.
Is the perception really that bad?
I want to say that while bad stereotypes do exist for South Asian men, a lot of them are because of how a large number of South Asian men act. I’ve seen so many South Asian men live up to all of their negative stereotypes and a small number that have not. So yes, in any area you live in with a high South Asian population, the stereotypes are going to be quite bad.
While this is the case, the silver-lining is also that the men I knew who did not live up to the bad stereotypes had it really good. Those guys faced a market with a high demand but almost little to no supply. After all, a woman looking for a handsome, cool, and charismatic guy from the same country that gives us yoga, amazing food, and its oddly quirky film culture will have to search far and wide.
I also feel like South Asian men, especially Indians, are some of the biggest whiners out there and have the worst confidence of any group. I’ve never seen any other culture or group of men, not even East Asian men, berate themselves as much as Indian men do to their own roots. There are a lot of reasons to this for sure.
For one, there is some serious crabs in a bucket mentality amongst Indians.
Whenever I have gone out with my Indian friends who do well, I always notice random Indian men are trying to attack them or stop them. I witness the evil sinister eyes, especially from older Indian men, towards my Indian friends who do have it together. Even as it comes to things workplace politics, most of my Indian friends have had the worst experiences with other Indians trying to stop them. Indians hate seeing other Indians get ahead in most cases.
I do not know why this is but I always see it when out. You have one Indian guy that looks good and women are feeling him out. Then you have a group of other Indian guys who do not even know him, often it is older Indian men too, and they are eyeing him with venom in their eyes. Somehow these creepy sinister guys find their way to the one Indian guy doing well and will often try to sabotage him, usually in passive-aggressive ways and sometimes even flat out aggressively.
I have also known many stories of Indian dads trying to stop their boys from talking to girls, even ruining the relationship proactively. Some say it is tradition but anyone with a simple understanding of human nature knows it is jealousy.
Now getting on to the advice.
If you haven’t already, tell your parents to fuck off. Do not proceed with anything else I tell you until you do that.
Don’t bother with dating advice, don’t bother with making friends, and don’t bother with shit until you have told your parents to fuck off. If you cannot get to that point, you’re better off with an arranged marriage rather than making others miserable. If you have decided that it is best to make your parents happy, stick to that and do not bother with the rest of this post, stop reading past this sentence.
Now for those of you who do think that it is best to tell your parents to fuck off, then do it. Seriously, the balls you get from telling your mom and dad to pound sand will set a strong foundation for the rest of your journey as a man. I have known a lot of Indians and quite frankly, most Indian parenting is narcissistic and toxic. If you are one of the few with good parents that let you be independent, then keep that relationship. If you are like most South Asians, then it’s time to nut up.
Pick and choose, the rest of your journey will be unsuccessful until you gain independence from your (likely) toxic family.
For starters, most of you need to stop fooling yourselves, your looks seriously need improvement.
I have lost count of the amount of Indian guys online who tried to seek help from me and swore their looks were not the problem, only to find that the guy is grossly overweight, wears oversized clothes, and has the goofiest haircut. Sorry dude, your mom was wrong, you look hideous. The worst are the Indian guys who may be a few shades lighter (more on that later) that completely ignore their looks and think that is good enough for them to find a girl. Unfortunately in India, that may be the case but not so much in the US.
If you do not have shredded abs and aren’t built like a Chad, then do not come to me or anyone whining about race. We live in the real world, most decent women with options are not going to pick a pudgy or anorexic dude over someone with a nice body (all else being roughly equal).
Oh yeah, and start wearing deodorant so you do not smell like garbage. Of all the groups, I have seen South Asian men invest the least in improving their appearance.
Every time you claim you get mistaken for another race, you come off as hideously insecure. Start being more comfortable in your own skin.
I have lost count of the amount of times an Indian guy has sworn to me all women think he is Latino, Arab, and (as funny as it sounds) an Italian. Every time you make a comment about how you do not “look Indian”, you come across as hopeless insecure and someone not even comfortable in his own skin. You pretty much admit that your entire DNA sucks ass and are bowing down to other men because you feel so uncomfortable in the color of your own skin.
The Indian and Pakistani guys I know that do this are also the main ones who embody every negative stereotype women have of South Asians and give their entire background a bad name. It is the South Asian guys I’ve known who constantly brag about being mistaken for other races and get on a high horse that are usually the most annoying guy in the room everyone wants to get away from. Seriously, start by owning who you are, you’re not convincing anyone you’re another race.
“Oh but Millennial Bachelor, someone told me I look Latino”
I don’t fucking care, you’re South Asian, that’s what you are, start owning it. Stop desperately clinging on to a fake identity because you think it will get you laid, it won’t and most women will see you as a phony try-hard fraud that isn’t even comfortable in his own skin.
Oh and you’re really just brown to most people, you can save us the hours bragging about where on the subcontinent you are from.
No really, you’re just “brown” to the world. Save us the countless pages arguing on Internet forums and countless debates with your brown brothers on how you are different because you are from one part of the subcontinent. Does not matter if you are olive skinned or dark brown, you’re a fucking brown guy to the world.
Save the pointless argument, you are wasting away your life and making yourself out to be a fool. If there is one thing I have seen all South Asian guys do, it’s waste their own time along with that of everyone who is trying to help them.
Stop trying to argue with people who are trying to help you, we get that you want to sound brainy and intelligent but really, you sound like some annoying out-of-touch dork.
The main reason I’ve seen Indian men fail is because whenever someone tries to help them, they try to argue with that very person. Even the most well-meaning coaches and guys I’ve known have given up on these kinds of men because they just argued with everything they were told. Eventually, people just distance themselves from this kind of guy who ends up lonely with no friends and whines even more online.
One of the main differentiators I see with East Asian men and South Asian men is that East Asian men will listen to feedback and improve, hence why I largely see them doing better. South Asian men will argue nonstop and never put in any of the work, hence why on average I tend to see them doing the worst along with Arab guys.
We get it, you want to show off your brains so your parents can be proud but quite frankly, we are not trying to debate or argue with you. The few us willing to help genuinely want you to get better with women, we are not trying to debate and argue with you on this.
It will seriously benefit you to get friends of different backgrounds.
Whenever I have looked on South Asian run subreddits or communities that center around dating, they have been a toxic blackhole of whining and inferiority complexes. I cannot see how anyone can read the stuff on there and hope to become a half-way confident man. All of the “but being Indian is the worst” posts will poison your mind and quite frankly, this is how most Indian men are in social groups with each other too.
The Indian men I have known who were the most successful with dating and meeting women almost always had friends of other races, especially if they were trying to go interracial. To this day, I have never met a brown guy who has dated women of other races while only having brown friends. As I mentioned at the start of the thread, there is a serious crabs in a bucket mentality with Indian men in the west. Indian men hate seeing other Indian men do well, especially when the former is older and the latter is younger.
Get some black friends, get some white friends, get some Asian friends, and get some foreign friends. Get friends of other races, make it a personal goal.
Realize that most of your failures are self-imposed rather than always playing victim and blaming your race.
Yeah, women might have a bad perception of you because of your background.
Yeah, society is pretty fucking racist.
Yeah, it is a cold hard world out there.
But….you have more control over the outcome than you may think.
So what if instead of 40% of the girls out there, only 20% like you compared to a white guy, that’s still a big number. And if your first instinct is to say “but it’s really like 5% man”, I give up on you, go home and don’t even bother. I have seen brown guys play victim far more than men of other backgrounds and take zero responsibility.
Chances are, she turned you down because you looked like shit in your oversized clothes, poor haircut, and smelled awful.
Chances are, she picked “Chad” before you because “Chad” is tall, buff, socially in-tune, and has a lot of friends who actually want to be around him since he is not a whiner that plays victim all the time.
Chances are, you are not even close to maximizing your own potential.
Chances are, your piss-poor toxic attitude drove the crowd away (along with your god awful body odor), and this is why you are struggling as opposed to the color of your skin.
“But Millennial Bachelor, you have not told us any game advice on how to get the hot girls man, what’s going on!”
South Asian men have so much work to do compared to men of other races that I cannot even tell you specifically what to do with game and women. If I was advising men of other backgrounds, I could talk about the kinds of women they need to go for or the kinds of venues they need to be in. I cannot even start to do that with brown guys because we are putting the cart well before the fucking horse.
Most brown guys need so much work on their mindset, attitude, lifestyle, and all of the things that go into life before you can even talk to a woman. Before I can even have you going out there and socializing with a decent looking girl, this is all of the work I need you to put in. I’d give it a year or two before most of you even think about “game” or pursuing women.
South Asian men have exponentially more mindset and inner-game issues, generally speaking, than men of other cultures. Before I can even give any actionable advice on what to do as you chase women, I recommend all South Asian men read the points above. There is a lot of work to be done before you even speak to a woman.