In my previous post, I talked about the signs that point to a guy being beyond help and a waste of time to coach. As the saying goes, it does take one to know one, so now I tell my story of how I once used to be that guy. No matter what anyone told me or what constructive advice I was given, I was that toxic Debbie Downer who had nothing of value to contribute to a situation.
Looking back at it, nothing could have changed my mind. I always had this poor habit of seeing the worst in a given situation and even the most realistic success stories were met with skepticism on my end. There I was in my teens and early twenties, that loser who could not be coached into winning much of anything.
Why do guys like me happen?
I think back to the old toxic me who was beyond all help, a whiner, and a total parasite to much of any group. Oh how many good moments I could have had in life if only I had a better attitude towards things. I had to really dig in and wonder why I was such a negative, pessimistic, and toxic person in those days.
Even as bad as I was, I never really resorted to ruining people. I never found myself being that obsessed with what others were doing and trying to dig up dirt on people. Perhaps that was my saving grace in the whole situation, I never resorted to trying to ruin the lives of other people.
It took me some time to even realize how negative of a person I was, for a while I was too hardheaded to even listen to well-meaning people that just wanted me to be happy. I remember how time after time again, the positive upbeat people started to cut me out of their lives and for a good reason! So what was it that made me that kind of a person who always had to see the worst in everything?
I can pinpoint to a few reasons but more than anything, it was the environment I was raised in, particularly my family members. My parents, mom in particular, were very negative people who had been through a rough lot in life. Given their circumstances, they saw every situation as a dog eat dog type of situation since they didn’t exactly come from wealth.
Every person who was nice to you was out to get something from you.
The world is a cruel place where you have to fight for every scrap.
Good people do not exist.
Always take the surest and safest route to, well, everything, because dreams do not come true.
We’re victims and the struggling of society, we cannot have nice things in life because of that.
Be cautiously optimistic about, well, everything.
If you have a roof over your head and food, then that is it, don’t expect for more in life.
That kind of nihilism and negativity does unfortunately have a cool factor associated with it in American society. People love to kick down the happy-go-lucky person with a positive vibe to them. It is all too easy to attack and make fun of the person with big dreams who think that there is a lot of beauty to be had in this world.
I was a product of years of that, many many many years of hearing that over and over again.
So why did I seek help and continue to seek help?
The one thing that confuses all outsiders and people trying to offer help to the Debbie Downer and Incel types is why do they keep coming back?
We know that you believe life sucks and that there is nothing good to it so why do you keep asking for help? Why is it that you keep posting on the same forums/message boards or meeting with the same people who are trying to help you even though you refuse to take their help?
Does he want everyone to be as miserable as him?
Is he waiting for that one person who can break through to him?
Does he just want that shoulder to cry on?
Here is the truth about the advice I heard, it did slowly make a difference even though I was too scared to confirm to it. There was an internal battle happening every single time and with so much negativity in my youth, just hearing a good story somehow eased me even though I showed denial. It was like the positivity was a drug that I was addicted to but did not want to admit my addiction to.
Deep down inside, I wanted to keep hearing those stories about success and how it can be done. Even more true is that I was stuck on those feel good stories because they meant a lot to me but at the same time, I denied their existence because I wanted others to keep telling me more. I said it cannot be done because deep down inside, I just wanted to be wrong.
At the same time, my drug was not taking action or doing anything about my situation, it was just hearing about success stories countless times. I wanted to hear about guys in my exact situation who pulled it off because that was good enough, it was a high I had to keep chasing, I wanted to be motivated deep down. To some degree, I wanted to be listened to because that was not something I had happening often to me in my life.
It is kind of ironic to think that deep down inside, that annoying negative guy who keeps coming back wants to keep improving and make it out of his situation but lacks the emotional backbone to do it. To think, that one guy who everyone sees as an annoying pest that disagrees with all of the motivational stories yet keeps coming back, he really does want a way out of his situation but most people do not have the patience to help a guy like that.
Despite his desire, such a guy is not really in a place to be helped.
So what changed for me?
As I mentioned, in many ways, I was beyond help. Nothing anyone could have told me would have saved me from my toxic mindset. I was miserable, negative, toxic, and a drag to be around. To make matters worse, it happened during my youth and college days, the days they say you are supposed to be the happiest.
It all started off with finding the source and distancing from it as much as possible.
The source for me were my parents, I never knew how negative and toxic they actually were as people, my mother in particular. I never knew how toxic and backwards the community I was raised in but that is what poverty does for you. It was not until I was back again with my parents after being away from them that I realized just what I had been raised around except now I was more cautious of it.
Slowly, I distanced myself from my parents. I ended up moving out for good during the latter days of college and then when I did come back, I realized how wrong they were and could cope better. It was not until I had moved out for good that I slowly began the process of improving. I too browsed Internet forums and spent far too much time consuming negative content.
It was a very gradual process, took years actually. I remember the first couple of years away from the family, I would break down into a negative shell of pessimistic thoughts, largely being an ungrateful piece of shit.
Then the question came to my head.
How many more missed moments?
How many more moments can I finally have in my life where I am being a toxic dickhead to well-meaning people and turning away amazing women because of my piss poor mindset? Just how many more can I afford?
When you get older, you start to realize the power of time. You realize how a lot of your misery also had to do with you. You realize that those younger days could have had more promise if you kept your head up and kept a positive attitude because at some point, maybe you could have been saved. Even if you had not been saved, at least you would have made it out better than you did being the negative piss poor piece of shit you were.
At some point, it hits you, just how time can slip away. You start to see young people out being happy and living their lives as you get older. As time goes on, you get confronted with a choice and it is as clear as day. Do you keep living as you are and let doors close or do you finally realize that something needs to change?
At one point, I saw way too many great people out having the time of their lives that I noticed I was the negative person sticking out. I realized that by being the miserable guy I was, important moments were passing me by.
If I could have just had a couple drinks and a good time at that party, I would have made good friends. Good friends would have led to fun outings. Fun outings would have led to meeting amazing people. Meeting more amazing people would have led to meeting amazing women. Nope, I shut all that off with my negativity and I was far too ungrateful.
Because however bad it is, believe me, even the things you have to be grateful for can go away.
At some point, it was never easy, it was gradual….but at some point….I just changed. I gradually became less of that guy but life had to hit me and it had to hit me hard before I finally came to that point. The change of environment really