bio · inner game · lifestyle · personal · psychology · relationship · self-improvement · twenties

Toxic beliefs about dating and life I am glad I lost

“Watch your thoughts, they become words;
watch your words, they become actions;
watch your actions, they become habits;
watch your habits, they become character;
watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

Lao Tzu (most likely)

The powerful quote has been affiliated with a lot of different history figures but from my research, it seems to likely come from Lao Tzu.

For those of you who have read the blog long enough to know me, you know that the guy I have become wasn’t made in a day. In fact, I used to have a lot of issues that made me an unpleasant guy to be around. Years of my youth were lost as a result of me having toxic beliefs about dating and life which held me back from ever really taking any action.

Even though my living situation was a lot less than ideal, I realize that I could have made a lot more out of my time down south. Social life aside, I could have still been happier in those years if I had built up a good habit of going to the gym, eating well, and taking care of myself. Instead, I sulked, cried, spent days consuming depressing content (incel material), fantasizing about getting even at the world, and so on.

Thinking back to the guy I used to be, I realized that I carried a lot of toxic beliefs that played a role in shaping my character. For years, these toxic beliefs consumed my life and at times, I still see them come up time and time again. The beliefs I had impacted how I carried myself around people and I cannot help but think others picked up on some of the negativity.

Time and time again I have seen men have similar toxic beliefs which have made them unpleasant to be around and resulted in their downfall in a lot of cases.

So what were some of these beliefs?

Women are the enemy (and all men somehow friends).

If any of you have followed The Red Pill movement, you know exactly what I am getting at here. Women are schemers, manipulators, and “Machiavellian”. Men are “brothers” to each other and women are all these species that act a certain way, as they say, AWALT (All Women Are Like That). Due to evolution and a host of other things, women grew to be manipulators because they could not defend themselves as well.

I used to actually buy into that for a period of my life and boy oh boy was I stupid. Such a belief system can consume just about any guy out there who has had bad experiences with women in his life. It is easy to see any woman you encounter and measure her up in this sort of a way. Come to think of it, I missed out on meeting a lot of great women due to this. I ruined great friendships with amazing women due to thinking like this.

If you think I am going down a positive path with this, think about it this way: men aren’t your friends either. Men will backstab and screw you over in a heartbeat even much faster than the average woman. In fact, an average guy who is jealous will go out of his way to ruin you compared to an average woman who will just swipe left. You just have to realize that both genders have a ton of scumbags and just learn to appreciate the few decent people that come from each.

I can change X person or group’s opinion of me if I just did Y differently, I just have to stick it through, they’ll eventually like me.

You walk into a room, there will be people that like you, are neutral, and some that hate you. Now there is a belief that maybe you can change those people that hate you into your fans. I used to think that way towards certain people that disliked me who I was trying to please and towards certain groups of people as well.

I remember back in my college days and early-twenties when I tried to buddy buddy with the fraternity and Greek Life crowd. Looking back at it, the whole ordeal was very cringeworthy. When you enter the working world, you will see this all of the time with people trying to please higher ups.

This lessons takes me back to my time at a project that I was assigned to where I delivered exceptional results, like better than anyone could have done with what they were given. The woman, who I might write about one day, was never pleased. In fact, she found every reason to criticize me and dislike me, making my life miserable even though my results made hers better. I still look back and cringe at how much I tried to be on her good side and lost my pride, and to an extent self, trying to please her.

The fun and amazing parts of life end at (insert X age) or (insert stage of life).

Life ends after college.

Life ends after high school.

We’ve all heard it, many many times really. In fact, even media goes out of its way to hype up certain stages of life such as the college years. The belief had me not thinking long-term, pedestalizing the stage of life I was in, trying too hard, and deep down inside made me miserable. I didn’t want to graduate college or move forward in life because I heard that all that came afterwards was misery and the 9 to 5 life with a mortgage, wife, and kids.

In hindsight, despite going to a large party school, I felt that college was overrated and got old fast. I found that I made better friendships after college than I did during my college days. The parties I have gone to in NYC have blown college parties and the college bar scene out of the water. I realized that there was not much to do in my college town despite all the hype surrounding it, for the large part it was broke and sketchy outside of the campus. Looking back at it, I had to try hard to get good friends in college as it was a lot of drama.

Now I am not saying this to say that college sucks but rather, the fun parts of life and the best years of life vary immensely based on the person. If you want to party hard, get with random women, and make a lot of friends; you can do that outside of college and it can be just as easy. The fun in life really ends when you want it to.

Women absolutely hate X type of guy and love Y type of guy.

Women love Spanish guys and hate French guys.

Women love black guys and hate redhead guys.

Women love tall guys and hate short men.

Women love young guys and hate old guys.

If you browse incel forums for long enough, they will have you convinced that women are obsessed with Jason Momoa or Channing Tatum lookalikes, all other men are invisible to them It is all too easy to assume that women have a horrible perception of a given race or nationality if you read enough internet forums out there. You will find men from all backgrounds saying that their hair color or skin color stops them from meeting quality women or being a guy who can get good with girls.

While preferences and prejudice do exist, they are not as black and white (pun kinda intended) as you may think. Just because you are a certain race that isn’t advertised well doesn’t mean that all women will band together and cancel you. I used to feel that because I was not the prototypical Channing Tatum lookalike that women would treat me like shit.

The reality is, the dating market functions more like a market and everyone has a market. Right now, no matter your height or race, there are attractive women out there who will give you a chance. Can your market be smaller than a guy who ticks all the boxes? Yes, but after a certain point, you realize that it doesn’t really matter that much unless you are one of those guys obsessed with trying to outshine everyone. Some women will be receptive to you and completely hate the other guy who is the picture perfect media ideal. Some women are just mean to almost everyone, period.

Chances are, when you get your shit together, your market is a lot bigger than you may think. Quite a lot of beautiful women out there are open to cool guys of all backgrounds and ethnic appearances. Even if they hold stereotypes, they go out the window with a nice photo on a dating app or a cool first impression.

Everyone is out to get you and is speaking ill of you.

You go out one night and hit on a cute girl at a bar, her ugly friend comes in and brutally cockblocks you. Now you are upset and hurt by what has happened. You walk around the bar and see them maybe peeking over at your direction, maybe they are laughing or just looking at you in disgust. Chances are, unless you were very aggressive and psycho, they probably won’t try to get you thrown out of the bar.

With all of the stuff going on in the world with men being falsely accused of rape or reported for harassment because they approached a woman, it is easy to always be fearful. In fact, it is expected that as a guy you are fearful as so many male spaces scare men about approaching women. I would say that a healthy amount of fear is okay, you don’t want to be naive either.

Where it starts to become a problem is when you let it affect the good and normal parts of your life. You cannot go out and have a good time because there are so many women ready to push harassment charges on you. You cannot have a fun time with friends because you are afraid some sketchy or scheming coworker is working to screw you over. I let fear consume my thoughts and negativity from other areas of life ruin my good times because they were always on my mind.

Relax, take it easy, and the universe tends to unfold as it should. Spend some time outside of good times with friends and family to gameplan how to handle difficult people and situations. Do not let them worry you to where you cannot even enjoy the night out with friends.

I am too old to have fun and fulfilling experiences with life and dating.

I used to think that I was too old at twenty-two to really enjoy much of life since I never had the college dorm experience. At times, I thought my life was never going to be a great story because I was not the high school athlete living the popular kid experience. Many times I thought that dating and love are going to be almost transactional after my youth and school days.

If you have had similar thoughts, I don’t blame you, the media pushes the youth years as the best years for life. Outside of Hank Moody, Dan Bilzerian, and Hugh Hefner (RIP); not a lot alpha male playboy role models exist for older men. Life after your early twenties is shown as a miserable office experience where people reminisce on their younger days and how things were better.

I attribute moving to NYC playing a big role in my perception and toxic beliefs about age changing. When you live in the Bible Belt, it can be easy to assume that you missed out on life if you were not one of the boys in college.

The reality is, there are plenty of men over the age of thirty who reinvent themselves and find great pleasures in life. A lot of men travel the world single, meet amazing friends, hook up with amazing women, and do fun shit while looking good doing it. Maybe the media does not hype them up like they would a Van Wilder but a decent number of them exist. In the end, you control your own destiny and there is a lot of fun to be had and amazing people to meet.

You can only meet women by doing X, all other ways suck.

Cold approach is the only way to meet women.

If you are not on dating apps, you are doing it wrong.

You are doing it wrong if you have no social circle.

Once again, a black and white way of thinking in absolutes that ruins so many men out there. The truth is, there are a lot of cool guys that meet women through various ways. Some guys only use dating apps and are quite successful with the method. Some guys only cold approach and it tends to work out for them if they do it right, without being creepy. There is really no exclusive way to meet amazing women, it is all about what fits best with you.

I need to have lots of friends and be Mr. Popular in order to get hot girls.

While it does help, it is by no means a necessity. I used to think this way even months ago but what I am starting to find is that social life can actually get in the way of meeting women. A lot of friends will even try to take girls from you or just unintentionally ruin your time. While it has its perks, a massive social life with a lot of friends is not really what it is made out to be.

Some people are not good at making tons of friends and some rather not bother with it, and that’s okay. Instead, being in good shape, looking good, having good social skills, decent game, and knowing where to spend your time will do more wonders in getting a lot of good women into your life.

X has to happen in order for Y to happen so I can be happy, it all has to go according to plan or we’re fucked.

I have to get into that dream school so I can make a job working six figures, then I can be happy.

I have to get down to this body fat percentage so I can meet a girl when I say these pickup lines or else life is fucked.

I used to think that if I did not get into that top 10 university and get a job in Wall Street, my life would not be complete. Now years later, talking to so many friends who left Investment Banking and describing the kinds of conditions they had to endure at the job, I am glad that it didn’t work out for me. All too often, we think we have to get a certain kind of girl down to a tee by a certain way or life sucks.

The reality is, life is going to throw a lot of curveballs your way. Whatever needs to happen will almost never happen the way you thought it should. Your plan may go sideways and then you come to find that the alternative actually ended up being a better choice for you. I am glad that I ended up working a career without the Investment Banking hours, it allowed me to do things like work on this blog and have a life outside of work.

Sometimes, while it is good to have a plan, don’t get too obsessed to where you miss key opportunities.

Leave a Reply