inner game · lifestyle · personal · relationship · self-improvement

Don’t focus on what city is best for dating.

Every now and then, you will get a report released highlighting gender ratios and what cities are best for men versus women when it comes to dating. A number of guys will move to a certain city only because they feel like it can change their dating life whether it is due to having more fun things to do or just having more women than men. At one point in my life, I was that guy too and thought about the idea for a while, even considering a move to a different country. After all, so many men move to Thailand or Eastern Europe to better their dating lives so why not?

Then I started to notice a trend with men who followed through on moving to a city or country for the women alone: they were usually unhappy and didn’t have the success they wanted.

What could it be? Why did it lead to failure in many cases?

The first thing I wanted to go at was high and unrealistic expectations. It is all too easy a guy who is going through hell in suburbia or a city with horrible ratios to imagine heaven on the other side, it helps a lot of men deal with the situation better. The light at the end of the tunnel, that is what we all want to see. We think that the location itself will fix our problems but then again, there is a saying that goes “wherever you go, there you are”.

I make this point because a lot of you have messaged me and reached out about how your environment is making you miserable. At the same time, I am not going to bullshit you like a lot of motivational speakers and PUAs do about how you can have the best life in the middle of nowhere or even a city bad for men.

So you’re saying location matters but not to focus on moving to a city best for me when it comes to dating, what exactly are you trying to say here?

– My readers

I hope this is what came to your mind as you read my post, because it means we are on the same page. Yeah, what exactly am I trying to tell you?

On one hand, location matters a great deal (arguably more than game even) but on the other, don’t put your focus on cities that are good for dating. A lot of men who moved to cities specifically for dating and meeting women usually ended up miserable. I said specifically for meeting women and dating, not that you should refuse to move to a city if you are miserable where you are at.

Because, chances are it is not just a lack of dating life making you miserable where you are.

You think you are miserable because you are not meeting great women but the chances are, other things making you miserable are stopping you from meeting women. For my readers in suburbia and small towns, the cause is obvious such as not enough things to do and being around too many people who are settled down with families while you are single. Young men in general, outside of certain circumstances (which involve them being settled down), should try to stay away from most small towns or even small cities if they can help it.

The reality is that what is making you miserable in your current city is likely making it tough to date as well. People can pick up on vibes and women in particular are very in-tune with the emotions that a guy puts out there. Now this is why so many men move to what they think is a great city for dating and ultimately end up being miserable, because that city makes them miserable.

I take NYC for example.

NYC has long been hyped up as THE city to move to if you want to meet a lot of women and while the gender ratios are somewhat in the favor of men (not nearly as much as you may think though in recent years), it is still not for every guy. I have met a lot of men who have come to NYC and struggled like none other to make it here when it comes to dating. Part of the reason is because most men could not deal with the fast pace, cut-throat and quick-moving nature of this city. Then throw in the crazy homeless population, high cost of living, rude people, urban hazards as a whole, the fact that it is dirty, cold for a lot of the year, and how it can just wear on you overtime; a lot of these men left.

The reason NYC worked for me is because I was driven to make it work, I knew what the downfalls were going to be. I love the foreign cultures in the city and the positives outweigh the negatives. NYC offered me an escape from the assbackwardsness I encounter in small city Bible Belt as well as Atlanta. This is why despite the many drawbacks of this city, I am still able to live here for so long.

At the same time, people rag on Los Angeles for being a city that is very tough for men to date in. While I do agree that the gender ratios are not in a guy’s favor and the women can be quite vain, I’ve seen so many men make it work. I have had friends who did better in LA than NYC simply because they were happier in LA than they were in NY. The weather was better, the women more to their liking, and it provided more outdoor activities. Similarly, I have had friends that did better in San Diego and had more fulfilling dating lives there because they were happier there.

While ratios do matter to some degree, they are somewhat less relevant in a big city.

Whether you are in LA, NY, or even cities seen as poor for men such as DC, Atlanta, San Francisco, and Toronto; the reality is that a lot of these cities still have women in them. If you play the numbers game enough and are an above average looking guy, you will occasionally get lucky and meet great women. What matters is that these are cities that you are actually happy in and like the vibe of.

Yes, some cities clearly have much better looking women than others. NYC and Miami for the most part blow out cities like Atlanta, San Francisco, and Seattle when it comes to having just much more attractive women. While this might make men automatically pick NYC and Miami in order to have a fulfilling dating life, the truth is if you are miserable, then you won’t really have much of a chance with the good looking women in these cities. You actually have a higher likelihood of meeting good looking women and dating them in a city which has a lower quality of women overall if you are happy in that city as opposed to being in a city with a higher quality of women where you are unhappy.

Although there is a slight caveat to what I have said.

Often times, cities terrible for meeting women also have cultures that are toxic and generally lead to men being unhappy. Los Angeles is full of people who are stuck in the high school mentality, San Francisco is a dirty and elitist city full of virtue signaling psychopaths with no regard for human life, Toronto is the Los Angeles of Canada with a chip on its shoulder, and Atlanta is just a poor man’s LA with some extra trashiness to it. Some men might genuinely enjoy these scenes and still find them to their liking which leads to them being happier in these cities and doing well with dating there.

At times, even cities considered to be good for dating can have a very vain culture that most men would be miserable in. One such example of a city which fits this mold is Miami. Miami is known for its beautiful women, moreso than any other city in North America, and this makes it appealing for a lot of men. Unfortunately, the culture is beach heavy and big on nightclubs which most men would not want anything to do with. On top of this, Miami is also quite a vain city which means that for men who are more on the philosophical end, it is not a city that offers much. Such a guy might be happier in a city like Boston which has a lot of Ivy League schools, despite the stereotypes of Boston itself.

Ideally, it should come together to where you find one or maybe a handful of cities that are a good fit for you.

Try to see what kind of guy you are, are you happier at a coffee shop than a nightclub? Maybe you should avoid Miami and go to cities where the culture is more geared at coffee shops.

Do you prefer a great nightlife as opposed to a more low-key nightlife without many people in it? Then maybe NYC could be your kind of city.

Do you prefer a faster pace no-nonsense vibe as opposed to the nosier small talk vibe? You’ll do better up north than down south.

My point being, get in where you fit in.

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