You did it, you engaged in the “self-improvement journey”. You got in better shape, you started making money, you started to be more worldly, and you did so much to be better with women. You even learned so many different languages and did a few approaches but after all of this, here you are with the same results. Nothing is changing for some reason and changes are minimal if that.
Is it looks? Is it your “game”? Is it your lifestyle? Is it your city? Is it your background? Who knows right?
Perhaps you overestimated how much you improved? Maybe you didn’t get the abs but just stopped being fat.
Perhaps it’s your city? Location matters a lot and maybe you decided to stick it out in the suburbs, small town, or a city bad for dating?
Perhaps you are still not that fun? You still have your nerdy hobbies and invest in little else that people find fun.
Maybe all of those are legitimate reasons but say you have even gone to the point where you have fixed those. Now your dating life is better but for some reason, you are still not at the point you want to be with it. You get nervous when talking to hot girls or feel some sexual shame. For some reason, it’s like you are still stuck. Even after all of that, you don’t have the swagger that you feel like you should.
Let me introduce you Feedback Loops.
Note, none of this is academic, this is all from my life experience. Do not present this in your college class. I just gave it the name of Feedback Loop for the purpose of this post. To be honest, I feel bad for any psych student that has to look information on these online as it is put in very unclear and vague terms.
Here’s the thing about the past, you can’t run from it. I tried to and thought I did but I couldn’t. One of the reasons it is so hard to go from nerdy virgin or dork to a slayer is because of the Feedback Loops that happen to us throughout life. Let’s look at a Positive Feedback Loop.
Take Jack for instance. Jack grew up in an upper middle class family out in the suburbs and played sports growing up. In playing sports, Jack became a popular kid in high school. By being popular, people became friends with him and invited him to parties. Naturally, girls his age started to love him and make it clear to him that he is handsome. Just by the way he acts, his behavior is rewarded and so Jack continues to act the way he does because of his behavior being well received.
Naturally, Jack develops a strong sense of self-confidence. Jack has the reference points from his youth and experiences to look back on to know that he is desirable. Even when he hits a low in life, he is able to get back up because he has been there and done there. For Jack, it became a story of success bringing more success and it got engrained in him at a young age. People constantly complimented him and told him he is amazing so it solidified Jack’s identity to where self-doubt was almost unheard of.
Now it is not too far-fetched to say that Jack probably went on to college to do well with dating and meeting women. After college, maybe Jack had a bit more fun as well. Maybe Jack got married shortly after college? Perhaps, but what I can say is that it will be rare to see someone of Jack’s background end up in a PUA bootcamp, dating forum, or some weirdo incel community (black pill, MGTOW, red pill, etc.).
Now let’s introduce you to one that hits closer to home, you.
You aren’t Jack, you are different. You probably grew up with distant, abusive, or absent parents in your youth. In fact, you were raised to not pursue things in school which could have made you popular. Perhaps you were one of the loser kids who didn’t socialize much or the outcast. People either ignored you at best or called you names at worst, even going as far as to bully you.
So overtime, it became a norm for your life. You acted in shy and very awkward ways out of fear, almost to not bring any attention from people. When attention came your direction, it was usually bad. Attention meant an abusive parent, a classmate teasing, or a teacher treating you like shit. Even in adulthood, attention meant your bitchy or passive aggressive coworker trying to get under your skin or your scumbag boss trying to take their frustration out on you.
My personal favorite? Oh…how about you finding the internet? The internet forums full of trolls and sadistic people that are mostly failures in life? Miserable souls that are looking to torture whoever is naive enough to wander into their hivemind. Through them your mind got poisoned, perhaps they said that guys similar to you in some way cannot get laid and there you were, feeling sorry for yourself.
You got really comfortable with losing and it became a culture of your life. In fact, you got addicted and so used to failing that you could not even envision a scenario where a hot girl will genuinely be interested in you. Overtime, those habits of a guy beaten down by society became a part of your being without you even noticing. Right when you think of approaching that hot blonde, you could see your old classmates laughing even though high school has been over for years now.
Now this is more than confidence or any inner-game talk, the issue here is that no matter what you do, you are still stuck in that mindset. You still lack that natural confidence that Jack had because the foundations for it were never laid down. All of the work you did with self-improvement? It was built on a weak foundation.
Ever wonder how some guys can just have that natural swagger and you cannot? Well, it’s because it has been reinforced throughout their youth. In your case, any attempts to be confident and cool were shot down for the most part. This is why even when you think you have learned “game” or improved your looks, deep down inside you still aren’t a natural.
If I haven’t lost you yet and you want to fix this.
Maybe you paid attention throughout as I practically butchered psychology for the sake of getting my message across. Now some of you have given up but few want to know, how do you overcome this? How does a guy who has been pushed by society to be a loser his whole life compete with someone who became a natural due to all of the positive feedback over the years? Can he?
The reality is that it is going to be tough. You are better off not even comparing yourself to others here when you do this. While your ceiling can be debated, improvement is definitely a possibility.
First and foremost, you must detox your life emotionally and mentally.
Have negative friends? Cut off all contact.
Toxic work environment with a shitty boss? Look for another job now and plan your entry.
Spending too much time on depressing internet forums? Leave, you are better off binge-watching Netflix.
You must fight to detox your mind and emotions every single day. No more friends that bully you or anything of the sort. It is now time to get new friends and find yourself with a new group. To get out of the loop, you must break down all social fabrics of your own life and start new.
I will talk more about this in future posts but for now, everyone should read this quote over and over and over again, credit to Kristin Offiler for posting it.