So a topic that comes up a lot these days in regards to attracting women is the talk about status and being “cool”. The reason I bring this up is because it is not only kind of personal to me but also personal to a lot of my readers. I feel like because I have seen it done wrong, it is my duty to tell you a better way to approach this situation.
The truth about most of you reading this.
Majority of you reading this were not the cool kids in high school or the big man on campus. You transitioned into the working world and were likely short on the social circle end of things and didn’t have the cool friends other had. Now you saw the people who did have all of that go out at nights with their crew and put up the pics on social media as you felt that you were not a part of it. Maybe the manager or coworkers knew each other from college, perhaps a part of the same fraternity, and you felt somewhat excluded from all of that. Perhaps you are a regular at the bar and it seems like that hip crowd with their friends comes in and you are left out.
How you probably approached it.
You probably tried to be more like the people that you wanted to fit in with. Maybe you tried to get into the stuff they were into or you tried to study up on things they were involved with. In fact, you probably tried to be buddy buddy with them and act as much like them as possible. Chances are, for the most part, it didn’t work out as you would have liked. You felt that no matter what you did, you were always on the outside looking in.
The story of Kevin.
Kevin was an old coworker of mines. We worked for a large corporation where the leadership was mostly older white guys that played golf and most of our coworkers were white guys who were the stereotypical frat bro. Kevin was an Asian guy from Jersey who was not in any college fraternities. At first, I thought Kevin was a cool guy but then I noticed something unravel.
During Happy Hours and team meetings, Kevin would often get in and try to talk about golf. Golf was a popular sport but Kevin would go as far as to share pics of him playing golf whenever we did team meetings to introduce ourselves. Now I will give Kevin credit where it is due, he was a sharp and intelligent guy. At the same time, everything Kevin did came off as overcompensating to others.
Kevin often tried hard and showed that he tried hard. In team meetings, Kevin spoke up at every turn and tried to find anything to comment on. At times, Kevin was lecturing team members on situations and putting his entire emotions into it. I also found that Kevin would say just about anything in front of leadership and try to hype up as many relevant hobbies as possible.
Then, one Happy Hour I heard it. Kevin got a nickname from other coworkers, including a black guy who named him “Uncle Kevin” to which the couple Asian guys on the team laughed about. I started to notice that not only did some coworkers who were not a part of the “in crowd” dislike Kevin, even the guys in the “in crowd” started to hate him. One team trip I had a few drinks and I overheard a number of coworkers talk about Kevin. The jokes included making fun of an Asian accent despite the fact that Kevin sounded as American as Apple Pie.
As the year went by, I noticed that Kevin became more alienated. The “in crowd” at work never really accepted him. The coworkers who decided to avoid the fratty “in crowd” could not stand him. I have lunch and overhear a couple of coworkers talk about Kevin wanting to hang with them on a weekend as they were going to a sporting event with their fraternities, only for them to say “no way Lo Mein”.
I wanted to punch them in the face but I had rent to pay. Don’t be Kevin.
At the same workplace, there was a guy called Marco. Marco was a Latin guy from Florida who practiced MMA, despised golf, and preferred to learn different languages than fit in with the fratty crowd. One thing I noticed with Marco is that he treated work as work and then after work, he focused on his hobbies and passions. Marco was also a borderline PUA who cold approached girls during the weekends rather than settling into LTR life.
Marco even asked for PTO during a company retreat, a risky move, just so he could go with his friends to the Greek Islands. I asked Marco how he did it and he said that it was something very personal he had to be on top of. Me and a couple of trustworthy coworkers followed Marco on Instagram and laughed as he was partying it up in places like Mikonos. The talk of the trip amongst some who didn’t know Marco was “what the hell is he doing?”, especially as the sessions became boring.
Marco did not give a fuck after 5 PM or where he stood socially with coworkers. For Marco, all he did was do the work, act respectful, live his life outside of work, and not even bother as much with the politics at work. Then, I noticed that a couple of leaders had a curiosity about Marco and were even MMA fans themselves. One of the VPs talked with Marco for two hours during a Happy Hour about the UFC, Dana White, and traveling.
Thanks to the VP really loving Marco and a couple of us being close with him, the VP extended his hand out to us to hang out. Next thing we know, we are having drinks with the VP earlier than usual on a Friday. After a few cocktails, he spits out the truth.
“You know why I fucking love this guy? He could have bullshitted me about playing golf or being a bro but I know, and no offense Marco, he isn’t exactly an SAE at Alabama (for reference, that is a very southern fraternity which is tough to get into if you are not a rich southern white guy). I mean he was unapologetically him and that was a breath of fresh air to me.”
Marco not only received a promotion a few months later but there were even guys who were a part of the “in-crowd” that took a liking to Marco. A few of the guys went to one of Marco’s fights and cheered hard for him over some drinks. Even though he was different, Marco was one of the folks in the “in crowd” and the guys even tried to get him to like some of the things they liked.
What you should takeaway from this.
Notice, Marco never cared to be accepted as much. Marco never tried to be someone he was not because frankly, neither him nor Kevin were fratty white guys playing golf. All Marco did for a while was stay true to his hobbies outside of work, build a life true to himself, make friends out of work true to himself, and did the work he had to do. Marco accepted that he was not going to somehow fit right in with a group that is otherwise very exclusive.
Meanwhile, Kevin cared a lot. Kevin tried to fit in with the fratty golfers at the office at the expense of even being disrespectful to others who were not a part of the crowd. Now the truth is that even though Kevin was kind of preppy, he was not really the stereotypical southern fraternity guy. Kevin never really lived that life and other guys sniffed it out fast too.
In the end, the guy who was the most true to himself reaped the most benefits. I noticed that the office was a bit curious about Marco because he was not a sucker for their outings. Marco wanted to get in, get out, and live his life. Somehow, this detached nonchalance made Marco a catch because people were curious, “why is he not suckering up to us?”. A few guys in the “in crowd” even hated Marco at first, calling him a “spic” (that’s southerners for you). Marco didn’t care at all, he just wanted to live his life and he brought a great vibe to people around him to where those that loved him really loved him.
Now how does the situation end up as the story goes along? One of the fraternity brothers takes such a liking to Marco that he invites him to one of their parties. The party is full of former sorority girls and everything. Now, the talk at the office is that they want Marco to date this stunning brunette who likes him a lot. Kevin overheard this and it looked to have crushed him.
Sure, Marco may never truly be “one of the bros” of whatever but the amount of respect the same guys who were calling him a “Spic” behind his back had for him was mind boggling to me. Marco may never truly be a part of that crowd but somehow, the same guys from that crowd wanted him to sleep with their women. All because no matter what happened, Marco never sacrificed whom he truly was in order to satisfy a certain demographic that was never going to genuinely accept him. Meanwhile, Kevin sold out in a big way and had very little to show for it. Despite the benefits, Marco moved on from the company and tells me to this day how former coworkers want to hang with him.
That’s the point of status that you need to focus on.
If you are not naturally the bro archetype and it doesn’t come easily to you, stop wasting time trying to be that guy. You are for more likely to reap the same benefits and respect if you work on becoming a strong guy that is true to his beliefs and hobbies. If you are truly in an environment where you have to be a certain archetype or suffer, then you simply decide that is not worth it to stay and you change environments.
I have seen this out at night too. Guys who are true to their hobbies and ways of life that come off as genuine are far more likely to be accepted into a cool social circle than guys who are fake about it. Stop trying to be someone you naturally aren’t.