I have noticed a trend in pickup, especially when out winging, where a lot of wings and coaches will tell guys to up the number of approaches they do. In the past, I have often said that the number of approaches is a very poor metric to measure how good a guy is getting when it comes to game. However, I want to tell anyone who is getting into game why you should actually shy away from doing way too many approaches and be choosy in who you do approach.
Why put in all that effort for sub par women not of your liking?
Think about it. You are swallowing your pride and putting it all on the line to walk up to a girl you don’t even know and tell her that she looks good with the hopes that she goes on a date with you. Well, why do all of this for a woman you find sub par or aren’t even all that attracted to? Why not do all of this and make this effort towards women you are actually attracted to?
Now some will point to “warm ups” and I can get that if you are very new and have never talked to women before. However, I will argue that if you really want to warm up, don’t do it by trying to go direct and closing women you are not even attracted to. Instead, opt to go indirect towards women you are attracted to and do something as simple as asking for directions and even saying hey. Better yet, if you know you are going to daygame, then just open a random couple or random people in general for a quick small talk.
Once again, stop wasting your time and energy approaching women that you are not attracted to or are just unattractive. Losers do this and it is the same kind of losers who give anyone running game a bad name.
You can focus more and get better.
Maybe instead of 20 approaches on random women, you do 5 to 10 approaches on women that you genuinely found attractive. Here is what ends up happening regardless of how well or how poorly the approaches went. First, you are likely to reflect on those approaches and see what could have been improved. I recommend writing each down and you will realize how it is little to keep track of when you go back and reflect on what could have been done better. Second, the approaches are more memorable since you approached women you actually find attractive. Finally, some of those approaches will go well and you will get some kind of a close which motivates you to go out and get back at it.
Now compare this to someone who does 20+ approaches and barely gets anything or even something out of it. Such a guy will burn himself out fast and lose interest in the game altogether. The rejection from the 4 who looks like a warthog that he approached because he wanted to up his approach count will make him wonder why he is even doing this. I don’t blame that guy and you will suffer the same fate as him, after all, what is so motivating about getting up only to talk to women that are sub par?
You are less likely to get a reputation as that pickup guy.
I have known guys who, even in a city like NYC, would spam approach endlessly for weeks on end. Overtime, due to the volume they went at, they ended up approaching certain girls multiple times to where they were called out. Pretty soon, these guys got a reputation from people in the neighborhood as being that creepy pickup guy. When you approach 20 girls in an hour and are direct with it, people start to notice and so do women nearby who realize that you are just approaching any girl that walks.
When you really think about it, you are not that different from a guy handing out fliers in public or a bum begging for change. Sure, you might not be in their situation but women are perceiving you as the same way. You are “on a mission” or “on the hunt”. I have seen guys in this situation pull but it was so painful and even they themselves were miserable from it.
It actually makes you more attractive.
Think about it, you are like an Ivy League school by comparison. Instead of being a run of the mill school that lets anyone in, you are the Ivy League that is very selective about who is accepted. When you give off that vibe of being choosy about which women are good enough to be approached by you, it makes you more attractive. In order for a woman to be approached by you, she has to have something special about her.
You should always take the choosy mindset towards women instead of being desperate. All too often, guys get played and get rejected by women who are otherwise quite repulsive. Yet, why did this happen? Because the guy in question was too desperate and it came off in his body language. He has to have his “20th approach” so he can make his pickup forum buddies happy, even if it means approaching a woman that is plain looking and perhaps even clearly deranged.
I had a wing who would only do 5 approaches max when we went out and one week, we noticed that a woman opened him as she was also a regular. The woman was curious as to why he opened the women he did because my wing would only open very hot girls. Now imagine how it makes a woman feel when you only open hot girls but then open her, she feels special and privileged of being picked by you. Meanwhile, if you have been approaching anything with two X chromosomes and a leg, she feels like she is just another random girl being approached by a guy who is clearly desperate.
You are more likely to get the results you first wanted.
Most guys who get into cold approaching are either trying to get with a lot of above average looking girls or find one who can be their girlfriend. Now say you approach 20 random girls whenever you go out, even if you are not attracted to them but just because you want to hit your approach number, you are not going to get what you want even if you get lucky. However, say you approach only 5 to 10 girls you are genuinely attracted to, you are more likely to get what you want since you are only focusing on what you are really into. Out of 100, only 1 has to finally say yes before you end up having what you wanted.
You will also notice that as you get choosy, your success rate gets better. You read the situation more instead of spam approaching. Your fundamentals are tighter overtime because you have focused on women you are actually attracted to, forcing you to improve and that improvement adds up. You are more invested in getting better as a result and have better experiences to look back on. Wasting time approaching women you are not attracted to just to hit an approach number takes away from the focus you need to be having on approaching quality women.
Being picky changed my life.
As a side note, I used to be the spam approacher when I first started. When you are new, it feels powerful to just approach as much as you can. However, I realized that I was starting to burn out. I realized that I would talk to 20+ women anytime I was out and never put all into it which led to me having a bad time. The rejections I did get were cringey too because they were from women who were pissed off that day and I was not into them either.
Overtime, I changed. I started to truly value my time spent out there. Some days, I’d only do 6 approaches and get 3 closes. All approaches were towards women I was genuinely attracted to and all closes were from women I could be happy about closing. I started to be more motivated about going out and I valued every approach as well instead of hitting a number to please some pickup dorks. Most of all, I could look back on the approaches proudly and see what needed to be improved and it gave me the motivation to apply the improvements.
Perhaps the biggest benefit was that it helped me take full ownership of the game. I truly realized that at the end, she had to be good enough for my bold approaches and very few women fit that bill. I felt more powerful about it and I was able to transfer that feeling to every woman I talked to. Long-term, this led to fun with women I was actually attracted to which made me want to continue getting out there.
Now a days on average, I might do 5 approaches and maybe 10 maximum. If I did 10 approaches on a given day, it means that a lot of good looking women were out and I had to make my move. I actually found that as I focused more on quality and less on just spamming, I learned to read social situations better as well instead of jumping on her from the get go. As you get more advanced, you will start to notice how choosy you are with who gets to take up your time.