In my previous post, I spoke about how society misleads men into thinking about social life a certain way and how most men do it wrong. In this post, I will talk about how to do it right and what a great social life actually looks like.
Always remember, the less you want it the better.
One of the worst things you can do in terms of getting a great social life is desperately want a great social life. It is a tough spot to be in because, on one hand, you do wish you had more friends and were not going out. However, it was only when I felt great and even preferred being out alone that social life started to fall into my lap. I think a big part of it is that people feel more at ease with those that do not want to be near them. The guys who want a great social life and desperately try to get it, come off as spammy advertisers trying to sell snake oil, hence their miserable social lives.
The day you can actually enjoy being out alone and take pride in it is the day things will turn for you. You have to show people that you do not need them and in some cases, prefer not to deal with them. Then, after that, some people will be amazed at how you can enjoy life the way you do and want to actually affiliate with you.
Less is more.
You have been misled to believe that guys with tons of “friends” in their photos are somehow the ones with a good social life. Whenever this is the case, the guy is usually sought after by other men because of some resources he provides such as networking opportunities for a job or a lot of wealth. Most of those “friends” will leave him in a heartbeat if his world fell apart. However, we are led to believe that having a lot of “friends” is a good thing when this could not be more false. Way too many men try to make too many friends when out and then wonder why they are left all alone because no one called them back or invited them to any parties.
Instead, the principle you want to remember with social life is that quality always beats quantity and ironically leads to the quantity itself. Let me break that down for you, if you chase having a lot of “friends”, you will often end up with no friends. If you focus on people that can actually be your friends and the ones you click with, you will often make more friends through them. Let me give you an example of two guys.
Bob is a very social and energetic guy who high-fives everyone at the bar. One second he is talking to a couple, the next a couple of guys out to watch a game, then some dude by himself, and then a large group at the bar. Bob seems to be the life of the party although he is not in any group. The whole night, he collects IGs and numbers of his new “friends” and does this for weeks on end. Then he realizes that he is spending New Years with no one to go out with and does not have a group at all, he is always that misfit that is out by himself when he could use a friend.
Rob is not like Bob. Rob goes out and just patiently chills by himself. Maybe he watches a game he genuinely likes or has a drink with some food. The whole night, he chats with two different people but these conversations are deep and thorough. Rob is only focused on those people he is chatting with and towards the end, maybe he gets their contact info. Rob does this over and over again to where he is chatting with far fewer people than Bob but somehow, the people he is chatting with stick.
Occasionally, Rob will talk to a local or a regular but not try to press for a number. A good conversation sticks and as Rob comes back to the bar, he keeps running into said Regular. Over time, these light connections that Rob sees again and again start to turn more into friends. This is key as now Rob has someone to talk to whenever he is out. Note that Rob is not going to try and make friends with all Regulars because he knows the key principle; some people are just not going to like him.
A few weeks in, Rob gets called to take part in a party where one of the guys he met is DJing. A week later, a couple that Rob chatted up invite him out to wine tasting. In each of those events, Rob makes more friends who know one of the guests that Rob is friends with. Towards the end of the year, Rob had a lot of outings where his new friends invited him out. Come special Holiday Events, Rob is having to decide on which one to head out to and is even merging them to where multiple groups now know each other. Then through those groups, Rob is meeting even more friends because he is already friends with people in the group he met.
Now, wherever Rob goes in town, he has a “friend”.
What did Rob do right?
For starters, notice that Rob was not jumping from group to group to chat at the bar. In fact, Rob did not even go out with the intention of making friends. Rob went out trying to watch a game or have a drink as he people-watched. As the night went on, Rob chatted up a stranger or two and some of those conversations seemed great. Notice how compared to Bob, Rob is more choosy about who he chats with and not spamming the whole bar for social interactions.
The same can be said of cold approach in general when it comes to game. Most men prefer to spam every hot girl with the same line and then wonder why they barely get any results. The advanced guys who do get results do fewer approaches but get better results due to the fact that they can read the situation better. Advanced guys can tell if a girl is not open to being approached and leave her alone while stupid guys just spam whatever girl is around and wonder why they are getting kicked out of the mall or receiving harsh rejections.
If you go around spamming the whole room as you socialize, people will think of you as that restaurant desperately advertising everyone to come in. However, if you are choosy about it, it gives off a different vibe. Now you become that exclusive nightclub with a high cover charge and one where only hot girls and super cool guys can get in. As a result of this, others want to be a part of your life and want entry into that nightclub.
How a good social life looks like.
At one point in NYC, I had a great social life. Here is how it looked like for me.
Always a group to go out with on weekends.
I always had a group of friends that I could go out with on weekends due to the connections I had made. When I went out with a group where I knew someone, I made friends with others in that group. Normally, I would choose between four different groups to go out with. Occasionally, I would mix a group when going out. One group I would pregame with and then take them to the concert in a venue where the other group I was friends with had an “in” at. Through just a group, I met others and made friends that were friends of friends.
Random encounters with friends are more common.
Even in NYC, a big city, things can feel small. Yes, NYC is a massive city but it has its spots where there are the same people you see over and over again. I’d make friends and then go to certain bars/cafes/restaurants and run into said friends I made over and over again. What was going to be just a day out to myself watching a game turned into me watching the game with a group because a friend I knew just happened to be out. You will find this a lot in big cities if you constantly go out in the same neighborhood and run in the same Regulars at the bars you are at.
Random activities and invites get thrown on your calendar.
Someone is having a musical play or some other thing going on that you get invited to. You will start to turn some activities down because you have so much to do. A part of you might feel like you are letting people down but good friends will understand that you have a busy calendar. The range of activities can vary and texts and invites can come out of the blue.
You meet a lot of people through friends that wouldn’t have otherwise talked to you.
I have met a number of people who are usually closed off towards strangers but were cool with me because we met through friends. It is like a case of the rich getting richer. You meet a friend and then more friends and then they know more friends and so you meet more friends. That is how it all goes. At times, you click well with those 2nd or 3rd-degree connections and some of them end up being good friends.
More group trips.
Weekend getaways at someone’s lake house or trip to a beach condo. I have had these a number of times in my life. You occasionally get these on your calendar, especially as summer comes. The parties get crazy but the downfall is that you do not want to sleep around too much or with too many girls, ideally just one. These are a lot less frequent and happen maybe a handful of times in a given year. Most I have had in a year is 3.
More pressure to get hitched.
Social life and social circle game are great for relationships. When it comes to casual sex, social circle game is not ideal. For meeting a girl, I’d say the social circle is probably the best outside of dating apps. You do see the same girls over and over again in the circle and occasionally, friends will tell you to go for it. Couples will tell you to lock her down. Chances are, they were talking over brunch when you were not there and said that you two would be a great pair. As someone not interested in an LTR, this was less than ideal.
You get tired overtime.
The random invites, day drinking, nights out, and all of it adds up. You realize, and it could just be my personality, that you miss being alone. You miss the days you could doom scroll, play videogames, go out alone, and do things by yourself. At the time, you don’t realize it. Overtime, you start to realize it and get a tough choice to make. For me, the pandemic split apart a great deal of my social life but it was a great time for me to connect with myself and my life vision. The thing is, you can only do this with a clear mind once you have had a great social life.