The most important rule of the game you’ll ever learn: It’s not about you.

Throughout the years you’ve probably heard about a whole bunch of theories, gimmicks, pickup lines, and laundry list of things you can use to get a woman. You have been told that there is a “trick”, “game”, or a whole host of things you can do in order to win a woman over or change her mind. Some of you might even get angry after things don’t work and go to more of the hateful route where you put theories on why women are so evil and inconsiderate.

To say that you can use some canned line, mind-trick, or other sort of thing to win attraction is insane. In fact, it is flat out disrespectful to women to think you can manipulate with some weird trick to get them to change their minds. So moving forward, all of my posts will be based on the very thing I am lecturing about on this post.

You see, women are kind of like you too, they have emotions, feelings, wants, needs, and things that occasionally keep them up at night (other than hot sex).

Right now in your life, you probably have goals or certain things where if they happened to you, it would be so amazing. You probably have a group of people you want to somewhat impress or whose opinion you value to some degree. When someone you respect, love or admire approaches you, you get positive and happy feelings. If someone you find physically appealing was to give a smile or some interest, it might make your day better. When some scary stranger approaches you on the street a certain way, you probably get creeped out as your flight or fight response comes. You have things that sometimes tend to keep you up at night.

So think about it this way, if certain kinds of people approached you randomly on the street, you might be more receptive to them than you would others. If certain people gave you a compliment, it might mean more for you than if others did. You probably care more of how some people feel about you compared to others. When you go out, if some people give you positive and energetic feelings, you’re likely going to be around them more. If some people give you some negative and undesirable feelings (or just leave you drained), you wouldn’t want to be around them a lot.

Since you are going after women though, think about it their way.

Some call this empathy, understanding what someone is going through and relating to it even if you might not be experiencing it. I am not going to put all women under one umbrella and say they all want the same things in life. Your job is to actually find whatever it is that your type of girl values the most, know what tends to excite that kind of girl and make her day. Generally though, most attractive women in their prime years living in the western world value: social validation, how they are perceived by their group of friends, having fun times worth telling stories about (YOLO), meeting “hot guys”, going to the “exclusive” places, and being around attractive fun people. Once again, this changes based on the demographic of women you are going after so know your demographic first.

As a guy, I am sure you also have ambitions and wants, how would you treat someone that fulfills some of them for you? Chances are, there would be a lot you’d do for that person if you are a somewhat decent person yourself.

Try to understand your own feelings and emotions towards things better.

How can someone approach you on the street and in what way to where you are not freaked out?

Why do you personally love drinking and going out at night with your boys? (other than getting laid)

What would need to happen in order for you to be comfortable enough in trusting a stranger on the street to where you give them your number and information?

What fears do you have in your mind when you are giving over your number or anything about yourself to a stranger you just met?

What would need to happen in order for you go home with a girl you might not have been attracted to at first?

How would it look for you if you hooked up with a girl that is not desirable and your friends found out?

Why do you want to please the people that you want to please?

How does pleasing the people you want to please make your life better?

Why do you really go for the kinds of women you go for?

We have to understand that women are human beings too here.

No, they are not these clueless souls you can “game” by using a gimmick on the street. Despite what others will say, they are not anymore sociopathic than you in their needs either. Women are human beings who value a lot of the same things you might value but are too afraid to admit. A lot of what you value or have valued, a great deal of women out there (even the hot ones), value themselves.

What role do you play here?

So it’s a piece of the puzzle, where do you fit? The honest answer here is that if you are not someone who is helping a woman fulfill her wants or playing some role in the things she values, pretty good chance you are getting that left swipe or that “sorry, I have a boyfriend” line. As soon as you approach her, you are a character in her world and your role is determined by how you look, how you carry yourself, and to some degree what you say.

So when pickup artists tell young men they can learn canned lines to win women over, it’s cringe and selfish. The reason it is bad advice is because you are only thinking about it from your perspective and what you want. You are not thinking about it from what she wants. The whole “be alpha” and “dominant” nonsense is setting you up for failure in the long-term because you are only thinking about yourself without understanding your target market. Answer questions about them that are relevant to the situation then work on seeing what role you are playing to help that situation.

Why is she out at the nightclub with her group of friends?

What is she doing at that dive bar with her friend?

What is probably going to make her night more fun right now?

What is going on with her life to where she wants to down a bunch of alcohol with her group of friends?

How are you going to create all of the right emotions for her in that moment so she does not feel so bored or let down by the night?

So for any of you who might have a “type”, think about this example.

Say you want that hot blonde at the nightclub who goes with her popular crew but you work as a coder for a tech company. Now her friends are popular hot girls and your friends probably prefer a weekend of playing video games. Most of her priorities involve gathering social media followers, you look down on social media. Most of her friends love partying, you are mostly a homebody. Majority of her look for the hottest spots in town to explore and hang at, you tend to see this fake shallow lifestyle as below you. Now her taste is for a guy that wears fancy clothes, you love your anime shirt a bit too much. Get ready for it……”sorry I have a boyfriend!”

While she might be your “type”, you’re not her type and unfortunately for you, women do the choosing. In future posts, I will talk more about this, especially as I consider the potential for writing about race and ethnicity as I have received a lot of messages wanting to cover that.

The funny part is, you’d reject someone useless to you too.

If you valued getting promoted in your current job, some annoying recruiter asking you to take their call so they could pitch you a new role would be seen as a nuisance. If your goal was to please your successful but snobby coworkers, anyone who is embarrassing you in that would be a nuisance who has to go. Say you were walking to work one morning and some homeless man approached you out of the blue, catching you by surprise, you’d be scared and ignore him.

What can you do?

As always, look your best and bring your best to the table. Get in great shape, dress well for the given situation (style may vary), and bring emotions that light up her world (this varies based on demographic). From now, you don’t think about what gimmick or magic trick gets her to go home with you. You do not get bitter and start seeing her as Satan because she turned down your advances. Instead, you ask, what does my kind of woman value and what role do I have in getting that to her?

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